Yes its been a while,

I know I know, its not that i want to neglect my blog, its just so many things are happening all at once. Im shocked to see how my life can be turned upside down in a matter of months...i just dont know any more. Its so complicated, but Im going to start doing more. So be expecting me soon.

I'm Amazed!

Dear Diary,
As you know yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day. I honestly thought that i was going to cry all day long and stay in bed. On the contrary, i dont feel the need to cry or to be sad, on the contrary, i feel as if things do happen for a reason. I know that sooner or later this roller coaster im experiencing will pass. For now, i choose what i want, what i desire. In the end, its only me, myself, and GOD. Im not sad, nor happy. For now, I'm at peace because i know that in the end God will give me what i need. He will choose for me exactly what i deserve.

Oh Shinny, Bright Moon

Dear Moon,
Here I am for the 3rd time speaking to you, regardless of everything that is happening at the moment i feel your my only best friend i have. It has been so long, to see you all shinny. I have missed that very much. Yet, when i look at you, i feel a sense of peace, as if what I'm going through is only temporarily. I don't know if this is true but i do know that i can always have you to count on. At the end of the day, everyday, you stand proud and tall and make me realize that everything is possible. Thank you moon!

Finally!

Dear Diary,
I finally figured out all these emotions that are attacking me. Since Tuesday I have started running and that has helped me a lot to relieve all this stress and emotions that i have stored up. I finally started to admit to my self that i did the right thing letting my ex go. Realizing this has helped me alot because I'm starting to forget, but forgiving is process i don't want to think about right now. I think that feeling my body changing to a beautiful form is helping alot lol. I feel my curves coming back again and I'm loving myself more and more each day. I know that for summer my body will be my kind perfect. I'm so excited. I'm also excited about my online buddy, I think he's helping me move on. It might be mild flirting but its something i come to enjoy and look forward to. Feelings? Crush maybe but i don't physically know him, so I'm hesitating. But I'm scared of having this crush grow bigger. Yeah im looking at the heart instead of beauty, but thats what scares me. A LOT! But time will tell, lets see what happens lol...

What do i do?

Dear Diary,
I never thought that i was going to be in this situation again. I am getting a grip on my ex, but I can easily cry if someone brings up the subject or they ask me about him. Just thinking that in less than two weeks i would of been married hurts. Hurts to know that right now i should of been excited about the wedding, I should of been packing my stuff, counting the days, having sleepless nights. Now i cant have any of that and it hurts. It actually hurts so much more to know "my ex-fiancee", he hasn't even tried to contact me in anyway. Its like i never existed, nonetheless, never meant anything to him.
Yet through all this mess, i have met a new guy online. Yes, it sounds crazy but i actually like his personality, im getting to met his world inside instead of out. I have seen pictures, doesnt really call my attention but i come to enjoy our conversation. He is in the navy and he lives in San Diego, which is about 2 hrs from LA. Some how our conversation led up to him telling me that he can come up and actually meet each other physically and im debating big time. I have never done this and well i feel he came to blunt about the whole situation. I really dont know what to do, my mom for one tells me to go for and get to meet him, since it wont imply anything serious. We can have fun just being friends, but im still on the "if" side. Im so confused its frustrating on what to do. Im going to get help

To my Forever Eternal a.k.a Silver

Is it true that time heals wounds? or does time makes the wounds deeper? Will the love that i feel for you die out and scatter the ashes as time goes by? or will they flourish when i see you? Will these memories fade like a black and white movie screen and then die out? Or will they always stay with me locked up inside my head where no one can go in? Will time and destiny bring me someone that can make me forget you, your touch, your kisses, your warmth? Or will it bring you back into my life? Will i ever be able to talk to other guys and finally be able not to pretend its you? Or when ever i close my eyes, will i imagine its you who's kissing me, who's touching me, and hugging me? Will i finally be able to move one, and love the person who is with me? Or will i always be comparing you to them, thinking you are the standard to beat? Will i ever stop asking myself why? why did this happen? Or will i finally acknowledge that it was for the best?




Although i keep asking myself these questions, i know the answer and i don't like them because im scared of leaving that love behind, forgetting what we once were. I know things happen for a reason, but im scared to admit that your not mine, scared to lose you, that one person who i honestly fell in love with, and im definitely scared of seeing you with some one else living the life we dreamed about, with the kids we planned for. Sometimes the fact that you were forced to be strong was enough to actually turn you into what you had to be. STRONG. In the end, as much as i hate to acknowledge it, I know i will be strong to over come these feelings, I will be strong to see you and not cry because in the end its what God's will that will prevail. If its meant to be then its going to be Forever Eternal, but if not, then i honestly do wish you the best, even if it kills me. I know that our paths will cross someday, whether we like it or not, life always has its twists and turns,  but i know that if they do, this time i wont have anything to do with it since i wont go looking for you, All i have to say is Karma always comes back even when you dont expect it and when it hits you will remember what we had and wish it was still there/ Im done trying to make things work, if you want me you will come looking for me. And when we do meet again, I might honestly have the strength to look the other way and bite my tongue and bite back tears when i say "it was nice seeing you" and walk away. But i want to keep believing that your my Forever Eternal, i want to believe that our future is still there, but if not then God will give bring to me the guy that actually deserves me and the love u neglect and threw away will be his.

Im hating the month of May

Everything is reminding me of what could of been and everything that goes with him. My whole system is inclined to shed tears very quickly. All the memories, everything leading up to my so called "big wedding day" on May 29, and it doesnt help when my family and friends keep asking about the wedding. When i see something that he gave me or something that reminds me of him, i want to throw it, trash it, break it, destroy it, yet i just stare and grieve inside me. I guess if i where alone i would be a mess, but i have the most important thing in my life and thats my mother who has helped me a lot. She tells me the truth and although it hurts, infuriates me, i know she's right. I love her and thanks to her, i have been able to control myself to call him, send him an email or try contact him any sort of way.

So yesterday it was my first day at my new job. Damn i got to say it was very hard. I never thought taking care of a 2 year old was hard. I got to admit she's very spoiled which causes all my patience to stir up. Yet, she creates a distraction for me and makes me forget my problems for a couple hours. I some time wish i had my baby of my own, but im not ready yet.

Moon i speak to you once more....

Dear Moon,
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.

Total Spin

Dear Diary,
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF  the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its  was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen  for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.

Late....

Sometimes I think about
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything

These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.

April 2010

Dear Diary,
I never thought that time was going to go by that quick. I feel like i just wake up and then when i look at the time its 9:00 PM. Seriously, its goes by so quick.
During these last few weeks i have been pondering about "the break-up" and every day that goes by i am finally able to see the truth and i realize that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. Its something that I was finally able to open my eyes and truly see the reality of the situation. Since he left the first time, it hasn't been a relationship and sooner or later this was going to happen. Although i wanted to make things work, it was not going to. I let myself become someone that was not me. I let myself get step on, i begged, i let my self deteriorate just to save a relationship that was doomed to fail. In the end, i always leave myself wondering "What if he comes back? Will I take him back?" Im in the stage where i wont jump and yes. Now i feel that i will say I don't know. I feel anger and resentment, but i dont feel hatred, at least not yet.
I recently drop a lot of weight. I think its because i got sick, but my uncle thinks its because im heart broken. I got a new look, I cut my hair and got bangs. Freaking annoying as hell, by i will get by. Yet, when i walk out that door, i feel confident. I walk with my head high knowing that life is yet to come and i have noticed how guys look at me. I have seen boys turn heads for me. Which makes me wonder, "Why did i become someone im not for him?"
Time will tell but know im not happy but not sad anymore. I'm neutral, pretty soon I know i will be happy.

Book Sayings....

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
"Grief and love were the same thing because they both led to mistakes."
"Love isnt only passion and joy. Its also sacrifice."
"All the fairy tales, the romance novels, the soap operas; they are all lies. Love does not conquer all."
"Last however long it needs to last. In the end it will be God's will that will prevail."
"Love isnt a fling in a back room at a party. It was something you lived and died for."
"Some doors should stay shut, because once opened they could never be closed again."
"Sometimes is better to live in a lie than to know the truth."
"Sometimes just having fought is important, even if you dont win."
"It was like a failed experiment-something that had seemed to have potential but that, ultimately, was a failure."
"Time can not destroy it. I am that Love- time can not touch me. Time but changes the form. Somewhere in some time it will return. When you least expect it the face of a loved one reappears. Look beyond the face and you will see me."
"She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out."

Through out all my time of reading books, these quotes are the one that called out to me. These quotes some how relate to the way i was emotionally feeling at the moment.

Full Moon Tonight

Dear Moon,
Today the world is seeing you full again. If you believe in wiccan methods, it means the end, or better known as the phase of the moon where you commit to lose something. For example, commit to lose weight, commit to end a nail eating habit, or in my case commit to forgetting him. Moon, today i found out that like i said before that he was cheating on me. I know have confirmed it. I could not believe it when i saw it with my own eyes. At the moment i was with my mother, it took all my guts not to start crying. It was extremely painful. Yet when i went to my room, i cried. Cried because i was a fool, cried because a mother is always right. At the moment it might seem that they are trying to cause us pain but in reality mother always knows best. Cried because he did not loved me and i was a fool to believe he did. It has not even been a month that we broke up our engagement and he is already playing his games with another girl. Like the saying says, far away love only brings sadness.
Exactly how much can a heart handle so much pain? I wonder exactly where did i go wrong, but it wasnt me. I know that and i dont blame my heart, i know for a fact. After what i found out, i would understand that i would hate him, but i dont. It just made me realize my mistake of thinking he will come back. Actually, it made up my mind to forget him. The love that i have for him is there but the flame is frozen under a ton of ice that i build around it. For it to even get the slightest crack, i have to make it.
Now, i know that its easier to begin when you're not dragging around the past. My past is frozen and hidden in the back of my mind, to the very far back of my mind. I have to keep my head high, move forward and forget and learn to forgive him. I wish him the best, but I have made up my mind. Whatever happens happens, but if he decides to come back, he is in for one hell of a ride. Like the saying says, if he wants war, he will get war.

Oh Man....

Dear Diary,
Not that Im trying to neglect you or anything but its been a hard week for me.
I had like the major version of the flu. First i started of with a strep throat, i got antibiotics. Soon after that i got the flu. After the flu, now, i have the cough. Its  horrible. I cant believe it. I have been through hell in less than a week. I couldnt drink or eat anything. Everything was irritating me and the fever was making it worse.
And not to mention the fact that my little brother had his tonsils removed on last week Tuesday and he was feeling bad.  Everything just piled up on me all at one time.

Worst of all has been the crying, I've been emotional and everything makes me cry, especially when i remember him, i start crying hysterically. Him, all i could think about is him. I have been having dreams about him and i dont like them at all. It always has to do with him and another girl. Something inside of me tells me that its true. Deep down inside of me i know that he had someone else that why our engagement went down the drain. Its as if, its was always there except i didnt want to see it. In a way i feel that its pointless like i should give up, but it doesnt mean that it still hurts. I know that in the end, karma always takes effect whether we want it or not, but i dont want him to feel the pain that i have felt. Its a pain that i wouldnt even want my worst enemies to feel because its unbearable and every one that has gone through this pain knows what im talking about. In the end i will leave it in God's hand to decide what is going to happen. Whatever happens happens and i wont complain. Its a pain, a huge pain only God and time can heal. I need a lot of time.....

Big, Long Day Today

Dear Diary,
Today was a long day. Although its official i havent spoken with him for the last week, im in pain, but its not what is bothering me today.I have a whole bunch of things going on. My little brother had a surgery today. He got his tonsil and his adenoids removed today with another procedure done to him on his ear. It was devasting since i was in the hospital since 7 in the morning and got out at 1:00 PM. Its a painful experience but i knew that doing this surgery he was going to get better and healthier. He is good, yet is in terrible pain, but with his meds i know that he is going to get better.

Eclipse!

Yesterday was the first ever clip of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I was extremely excited and i nearly fainted!
Im so excited and well as you know as of next week the Twilight Saga: New Moon will come out in DVD which of course is going to be March 20!! Can't Wait!!!

From Darkness to Sunlight...

This is dedicated to him, you know who you are.

One day i wake up knowing that life is just like my dream, i'm getting married in a month. its exciting its really happening. Then my uncle dies, so we move the wedding date. Now that the wedding date is just around the corner, you tell me that a financial burden is causing you to say u don't want to get married, that its too much and you rather wait. i tell you how long and you reply with an i don't know. How can you do this to a bride to be, when she is excited, planning her wedding, experiencing the adrenaline coming from the fact that you are going to be mine and mine only. It hurts so bad. Next you tell me that you don't want me to leave you want me to stay and keep u company because you don't want to be alone. I look like a fool telling every one that the wedding is off, you crushed my hopes my dreams my desires and yet u ask me to stay. I cant do that, its too much so i have to let go knowing that you are not ready for what we have, it crushes me but what more is there to do? Im laughing knowing that i was naive to get married at the age of 20 but i call it love. But i know that i have a bright future ahead of me. I can make it on my own and i don't need you to make things happen. If its meant to be when your ready you'll come back, if you truly did love me you will come back and if you didn't then you wont. and if you wont i will find someone that i have been looking for and for once during this time i will be ambitious settle for nothing more than what i deserve because with you i let the true me hide, i have to resurface now with more dignity and strength knowing that the future is going to be better than the past.

Its been awhile...

I tend to say its been a while huh? lol
So what i havent told you was I got engaged on January 16. And hmmm i was supposed to get married on  February 13, but since my uncle died we had to postpone the wedding. So we decided for May 29. Yet things happened. Ok let me explain its very complicated so try to keep up.
1. As you know my "fiancee's" mother doesnt like me so my "fiancee" didnt tell her about the wedding
2. My "fiancee" has a "lack of money" so it was supposed to be a small wedding
3. I started noticing a strange behavior from my boyfriend and trust me i had all these doubts running through my mind. Ok im going to give him the benefit of the doubt, my "fiancee" works for a business company, hes like a tax accountant, so busy season is here. His behavior included that when he came from work he was tired, sleepy, and his head was hurting. I wondered if he was cheating, but like all guys they say no. He keep this behavior for about 2 weeks and well i was curious. I didnt talk to him for  like nothing he literaly was avoiding me, excluding me, and didnt want to talk to me. I just didnt know what to do, or better yet what was the right thing to do.

So on Monday March 1, i receive his call. The whole day i had butterflies in my tummy so i had a premonition something was going on. So he calls and tell me that he wedding is off. I was like "What?!? are you serious?!?!" His excuse againg he said he had a lack of fund. BS!! if you tell me. I know for a fact that he told his mother and she convinced him to break things off. I was hurt, devastated, i cant explain how i feel, shattered, too many feelings. So oviously, he didnt want to end things, he still wanted to be with me until he was "ready". I didnt know so i was confused for about a week.

On Sunday March 7, I had made up my mind, since all through out the week his behavior didnt change. He was still avoiding me and well ignoring me. So i called him. I had my mind straight. It hurt to end things with him but i know i did the right thing. He just kept hurting me and this was the last strike. Up today, i dont know whether to be relieved or sad. I think it has to do with the fact that i was fed up with his attitude towards me that i decided to end things. I cried on Sunday but no more.

My opinion on all this is the fact that things happen for a reason. I mean I know that its 4 years down the drain but how could he do this to me. I still dont understand and im pretty sure he had someone else, its hard to admit it but i know its true, now im single, but saying single doesnt hurt like it did before. I think it has to do with the fact that i finally understood that this relationship was going no where with him being confused. Im no cruel to ask him to choose between him and his mother.

So yeah all that just in March, and we are barely starting , crazy huh?

Sad Day Today...

As you all know my uncle has been sick for a long time now.
I have told you that he was ill and sadly today he passed away.
There is nothing we can do exept mourn him and well may God have him in his glory.
Its very hard for me since i lived with him and everything that he went through i was there.
My mom is taking it hard, i dont have any words to make her at peace.
Today is hard...

My Birthday!!!

Today i officially turn 20 years old and damn im excited.
A new thing and i know this year its going to be great for me wish me luck and stay tuned.

Happy New Years

Happy New Year 2010!
Wish the best to my readers and wish u well!!!
Have a great year and may all ur dreams come true!!