I'm Amazed!

Dear Diary,
As you know yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day. I honestly thought that i was going to cry all day long and stay in bed. On the contrary, i dont feel the need to cry or to be sad, on the contrary, i feel as if things do happen for a reason. I know that sooner or later this roller coaster im experiencing will pass. For now, i choose what i want, what i desire. In the end, its only me, myself, and GOD. Im not sad, nor happy. For now, I'm at peace because i know that in the end God will give me what i need. He will choose for me exactly what i deserve.

Oh Shinny, Bright Moon

Dear Moon,
Here I am for the 3rd time speaking to you, regardless of everything that is happening at the moment i feel your my only best friend i have. It has been so long, to see you all shinny. I have missed that very much. Yet, when i look at you, i feel a sense of peace, as if what I'm going through is only temporarily. I don't know if this is true but i do know that i can always have you to count on. At the end of the day, everyday, you stand proud and tall and make me realize that everything is possible. Thank you moon!

Finally!

Dear Diary,
I finally figured out all these emotions that are attacking me. Since Tuesday I have started running and that has helped me a lot to relieve all this stress and emotions that i have stored up. I finally started to admit to my self that i did the right thing letting my ex go. Realizing this has helped me alot because I'm starting to forget, but forgiving is process i don't want to think about right now. I think that feeling my body changing to a beautiful form is helping alot lol. I feel my curves coming back again and I'm loving myself more and more each day. I know that for summer my body will be my kind perfect. I'm so excited. I'm also excited about my online buddy, I think he's helping me move on. It might be mild flirting but its something i come to enjoy and look forward to. Feelings? Crush maybe but i don't physically know him, so I'm hesitating. But I'm scared of having this crush grow bigger. Yeah im looking at the heart instead of beauty, but thats what scares me. A LOT! But time will tell, lets see what happens lol...

What do i do?

Dear Diary,
I never thought that i was going to be in this situation again. I am getting a grip on my ex, but I can easily cry if someone brings up the subject or they ask me about him. Just thinking that in less than two weeks i would of been married hurts. Hurts to know that right now i should of been excited about the wedding, I should of been packing my stuff, counting the days, having sleepless nights. Now i cant have any of that and it hurts. It actually hurts so much more to know "my ex-fiancee", he hasn't even tried to contact me in anyway. Its like i never existed, nonetheless, never meant anything to him.
Yet through all this mess, i have met a new guy online. Yes, it sounds crazy but i actually like his personality, im getting to met his world inside instead of out. I have seen pictures, doesnt really call my attention but i come to enjoy our conversation. He is in the navy and he lives in San Diego, which is about 2 hrs from LA. Some how our conversation led up to him telling me that he can come up and actually meet each other physically and im debating big time. I have never done this and well i feel he came to blunt about the whole situation. I really dont know what to do, my mom for one tells me to go for and get to meet him, since it wont imply anything serious. We can have fun just being friends, but im still on the "if" side. Im so confused its frustrating on what to do. Im going to get help

To my Forever Eternal a.k.a Silver

Is it true that time heals wounds? or does time makes the wounds deeper? Will the love that i feel for you die out and scatter the ashes as time goes by? or will they flourish when i see you? Will these memories fade like a black and white movie screen and then die out? Or will they always stay with me locked up inside my head where no one can go in? Will time and destiny bring me someone that can make me forget you, your touch, your kisses, your warmth? Or will it bring you back into my life? Will i ever be able to talk to other guys and finally be able not to pretend its you? Or when ever i close my eyes, will i imagine its you who's kissing me, who's touching me, and hugging me? Will i finally be able to move one, and love the person who is with me? Or will i always be comparing you to them, thinking you are the standard to beat? Will i ever stop asking myself why? why did this happen? Or will i finally acknowledge that it was for the best?




Although i keep asking myself these questions, i know the answer and i don't like them because im scared of leaving that love behind, forgetting what we once were. I know things happen for a reason, but im scared to admit that your not mine, scared to lose you, that one person who i honestly fell in love with, and im definitely scared of seeing you with some one else living the life we dreamed about, with the kids we planned for. Sometimes the fact that you were forced to be strong was enough to actually turn you into what you had to be. STRONG. In the end, as much as i hate to acknowledge it, I know i will be strong to over come these feelings, I will be strong to see you and not cry because in the end its what God's will that will prevail. If its meant to be then its going to be Forever Eternal, but if not, then i honestly do wish you the best, even if it kills me. I know that our paths will cross someday, whether we like it or not, life always has its twists and turns,  but i know that if they do, this time i wont have anything to do with it since i wont go looking for you, All i have to say is Karma always comes back even when you dont expect it and when it hits you will remember what we had and wish it was still there/ Im done trying to make things work, if you want me you will come looking for me. And when we do meet again, I might honestly have the strength to look the other way and bite my tongue and bite back tears when i say "it was nice seeing you" and walk away. But i want to keep believing that your my Forever Eternal, i want to believe that our future is still there, but if not then God will give bring to me the guy that actually deserves me and the love u neglect and threw away will be his.

Im hating the month of May

Everything is reminding me of what could of been and everything that goes with him. My whole system is inclined to shed tears very quickly. All the memories, everything leading up to my so called "big wedding day" on May 29, and it doesnt help when my family and friends keep asking about the wedding. When i see something that he gave me or something that reminds me of him, i want to throw it, trash it, break it, destroy it, yet i just stare and grieve inside me. I guess if i where alone i would be a mess, but i have the most important thing in my life and thats my mother who has helped me a lot. She tells me the truth and although it hurts, infuriates me, i know she's right. I love her and thanks to her, i have been able to control myself to call him, send him an email or try contact him any sort of way.

So yesterday it was my first day at my new job. Damn i got to say it was very hard. I never thought taking care of a 2 year old was hard. I got to admit she's very spoiled which causes all my patience to stir up. Yet, she creates a distraction for me and makes me forget my problems for a couple hours. I some time wish i had my baby of my own, but im not ready yet.