Dear Moon,
Today the world is seeing you full again. If you believe in wiccan methods, it means the end, or better known as the phase of the moon where you commit to lose something. For example, commit to lose weight, commit to end a nail eating habit, or in my case commit to forgetting him. Moon, today i found out that like i said before that he was cheating on me. I know have confirmed it. I could not believe it when i saw it with my own eyes. At the moment i was with my mother, it took all my guts not to start crying. It was extremely painful. Yet when i went to my room, i cried. Cried because i was a fool, cried because a mother is always right. At the moment it might seem that they are trying to cause us pain but in reality mother always knows best. Cried because he did not loved me and i was a fool to believe he did. It has not even been a month that we broke up our engagement and he is already playing his games with another girl. Like the saying says, far away love only brings sadness.
Exactly how much can a heart handle so much pain? I wonder exactly where did i go wrong, but it wasnt me. I know that and i dont blame my heart, i know for a fact. After what i found out, i would understand that i would hate him, but i dont. It just made me realize my mistake of thinking he will come back. Actually, it made up my mind to forget him. The love that i have for him is there but the flame is frozen under a ton of ice that i build around it. For it to even get the slightest crack, i have to make it.
Now, i know that its easier to begin when you're not dragging around the past. My past is frozen and hidden in the back of my mind, to the very far back of my mind. I have to keep my head high, move forward and forget and learn to forgive him. I wish him the best, but I have made up my mind. Whatever happens happens, but if he decides to come back, he is in for one hell of a ride. Like the saying says, if he wants war, he will get war.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Oh Man....
Dear Diary,
Not that Im trying to neglect you or anything but its been a hard week for me.
I had like the major version of the flu. First i started of with a strep throat, i got antibiotics. Soon after that i got the flu. After the flu, now, i have the cough. Its horrible. I cant believe it. I have been through hell in less than a week. I couldnt drink or eat anything. Everything was irritating me and the fever was making it worse.
And not to mention the fact that my little brother had his tonsils removed on last week Tuesday and he was feeling bad. Everything just piled up on me all at one time.
Worst of all has been the crying, I've been emotional and everything makes me cry, especially when i remember him, i start crying hysterically. Him, all i could think about is him. I have been having dreams about him and i dont like them at all. It always has to do with him and another girl. Something inside of me tells me that its true. Deep down inside of me i know that he had someone else that why our engagement went down the drain. Its as if, its was always there except i didnt want to see it. In a way i feel that its pointless like i should give up, but it doesnt mean that it still hurts. I know that in the end, karma always takes effect whether we want it or not, but i dont want him to feel the pain that i have felt. Its a pain that i wouldnt even want my worst enemies to feel because its unbearable and every one that has gone through this pain knows what im talking about. In the end i will leave it in God's hand to decide what is going to happen. Whatever happens happens and i wont complain. Its a pain, a huge pain only God and time can heal. I need a lot of time.....
Not that Im trying to neglect you or anything but its been a hard week for me.
I had like the major version of the flu. First i started of with a strep throat, i got antibiotics. Soon after that i got the flu. After the flu, now, i have the cough. Its horrible. I cant believe it. I have been through hell in less than a week. I couldnt drink or eat anything. Everything was irritating me and the fever was making it worse.
And not to mention the fact that my little brother had his tonsils removed on last week Tuesday and he was feeling bad. Everything just piled up on me all at one time.
Worst of all has been the crying, I've been emotional and everything makes me cry, especially when i remember him, i start crying hysterically. Him, all i could think about is him. I have been having dreams about him and i dont like them at all. It always has to do with him and another girl. Something inside of me tells me that its true. Deep down inside of me i know that he had someone else that why our engagement went down the drain. Its as if, its was always there except i didnt want to see it. In a way i feel that its pointless like i should give up, but it doesnt mean that it still hurts. I know that in the end, karma always takes effect whether we want it or not, but i dont want him to feel the pain that i have felt. Its a pain that i wouldnt even want my worst enemies to feel because its unbearable and every one that has gone through this pain knows what im talking about. In the end i will leave it in God's hand to decide what is going to happen. Whatever happens happens and i wont complain. Its a pain, a huge pain only God and time can heal. I need a lot of time.....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Big, Long Day Today
Dear Diary,
Today was a long day. Although its official i havent spoken with him for the last week, im in pain, but its not what is bothering me today.I have a whole bunch of things going on. My little brother had a surgery today. He got his tonsil and his adenoids removed today with another procedure done to him on his ear. It was devasting since i was in the hospital since 7 in the morning and got out at 1:00 PM. Its a painful experience but i knew that doing this surgery he was going to get better and healthier. He is good, yet is in terrible pain, but with his meds i know that he is going to get better.
Today was a long day. Although its official i havent spoken with him for the last week, im in pain, but its not what is bothering me today.I have a whole bunch of things going on. My little brother had a surgery today. He got his tonsil and his adenoids removed today with another procedure done to him on his ear. It was devasting since i was in the hospital since 7 in the morning and got out at 1:00 PM. Its a painful experience but i knew that doing this surgery he was going to get better and healthier. He is good, yet is in terrible pain, but with his meds i know that he is going to get better.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Eclipse!
Yesterday was the first ever clip of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I was extremely excited and i nearly fainted!
Im so excited and well as you know as of next week the Twilight Saga: New Moon will come out in DVD which of course is going to be March 20!! Can't Wait!!!
Im so excited and well as you know as of next week the Twilight Saga: New Moon will come out in DVD which of course is going to be March 20!! Can't Wait!!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
From Darkness to Sunlight...
This is dedicated to him, you know who you are.
One day i wake up knowing that life is just like my dream, i'm getting married in a month. its exciting its really happening. Then my uncle dies, so we move the wedding date. Now that the wedding date is just around the corner, you tell me that a financial burden is causing you to say u don't want to get married, that its too much and you rather wait. i tell you how long and you reply with an i don't know. How can you do this to a bride to be, when she is excited, planning her wedding, experiencing the adrenaline coming from the fact that you are going to be mine and mine only. It hurts so bad. Next you tell me that you don't want me to leave you want me to stay and keep u company because you don't want to be alone. I look like a fool telling every one that the wedding is off, you crushed my hopes my dreams my desires and yet u ask me to stay. I cant do that, its too much so i have to let go knowing that you are not ready for what we have, it crushes me but what more is there to do? Im laughing knowing that i was naive to get married at the age of 20 but i call it love. But i know that i have a bright future ahead of me. I can make it on my own and i don't need you to make things happen. If its meant to be when your ready you'll come back, if you truly did love me you will come back and if you didn't then you wont. and if you wont i will find someone that i have been looking for and for once during this time i will be ambitious settle for nothing more than what i deserve because with you i let the true me hide, i have to resurface now with more dignity and strength knowing that the future is going to be better than the past.
One day i wake up knowing that life is just like my dream, i'm getting married in a month. its exciting its really happening. Then my uncle dies, so we move the wedding date. Now that the wedding date is just around the corner, you tell me that a financial burden is causing you to say u don't want to get married, that its too much and you rather wait. i tell you how long and you reply with an i don't know. How can you do this to a bride to be, when she is excited, planning her wedding, experiencing the adrenaline coming from the fact that you are going to be mine and mine only. It hurts so bad. Next you tell me that you don't want me to leave you want me to stay and keep u company because you don't want to be alone. I look like a fool telling every one that the wedding is off, you crushed my hopes my dreams my desires and yet u ask me to stay. I cant do that, its too much so i have to let go knowing that you are not ready for what we have, it crushes me but what more is there to do? Im laughing knowing that i was naive to get married at the age of 20 but i call it love. But i know that i have a bright future ahead of me. I can make it on my own and i don't need you to make things happen. If its meant to be when your ready you'll come back, if you truly did love me you will come back and if you didn't then you wont. and if you wont i will find someone that i have been looking for and for once during this time i will be ambitious settle for nothing more than what i deserve because with you i let the true me hide, i have to resurface now with more dignity and strength knowing that the future is going to be better than the past.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Its been awhile...
I tend to say its been a while huh? lol
So what i havent told you was I got engaged on January 16. And hmmm i was supposed to get married on February 13, but since my uncle died we had to postpone the wedding. So we decided for May 29. Yet things happened. Ok let me explain its very complicated so try to keep up.
1. As you know my "fiancee's" mother doesnt like me so my "fiancee" didnt tell her about the wedding
2. My "fiancee" has a "lack of money" so it was supposed to be a small wedding
3. I started noticing a strange behavior from my boyfriend and trust me i had all these doubts running through my mind. Ok im going to give him the benefit of the doubt, my "fiancee" works for a business company, hes like a tax accountant, so busy season is here. His behavior included that when he came from work he was tired, sleepy, and his head was hurting. I wondered if he was cheating, but like all guys they say no. He keep this behavior for about 2 weeks and well i was curious. I didnt talk to him for like nothing he literaly was avoiding me, excluding me, and didnt want to talk to me. I just didnt know what to do, or better yet what was the right thing to do.
So on Monday March 1, i receive his call. The whole day i had butterflies in my tummy so i had a premonition something was going on. So he calls and tell me that he wedding is off. I was like "What?!? are you serious?!?!" His excuse againg he said he had a lack of fund. BS!! if you tell me. I know for a fact that he told his mother and she convinced him to break things off. I was hurt, devastated, i cant explain how i feel, shattered, too many feelings. So oviously, he didnt want to end things, he still wanted to be with me until he was "ready". I didnt know so i was confused for about a week.
On Sunday March 7, I had made up my mind, since all through out the week his behavior didnt change. He was still avoiding me and well ignoring me. So i called him. I had my mind straight. It hurt to end things with him but i know i did the right thing. He just kept hurting me and this was the last strike. Up today, i dont know whether to be relieved or sad. I think it has to do with the fact that i was fed up with his attitude towards me that i decided to end things. I cried on Sunday but no more.
My opinion on all this is the fact that things happen for a reason. I mean I know that its 4 years down the drain but how could he do this to me. I still dont understand and im pretty sure he had someone else, its hard to admit it but i know its true, now im single, but saying single doesnt hurt like it did before. I think it has to do with the fact that i finally understood that this relationship was going no where with him being confused. Im no cruel to ask him to choose between him and his mother.
So yeah all that just in March, and we are barely starting , crazy huh?
So what i havent told you was I got engaged on January 16. And hmmm i was supposed to get married on February 13, but since my uncle died we had to postpone the wedding. So we decided for May 29. Yet things happened. Ok let me explain its very complicated so try to keep up.
1. As you know my "fiancee's" mother doesnt like me so my "fiancee" didnt tell her about the wedding
2. My "fiancee" has a "lack of money" so it was supposed to be a small wedding
3. I started noticing a strange behavior from my boyfriend and trust me i had all these doubts running through my mind. Ok im going to give him the benefit of the doubt, my "fiancee" works for a business company, hes like a tax accountant, so busy season is here. His behavior included that when he came from work he was tired, sleepy, and his head was hurting. I wondered if he was cheating, but like all guys they say no. He keep this behavior for about 2 weeks and well i was curious. I didnt talk to him for like nothing he literaly was avoiding me, excluding me, and didnt want to talk to me. I just didnt know what to do, or better yet what was the right thing to do.
So on Monday March 1, i receive his call. The whole day i had butterflies in my tummy so i had a premonition something was going on. So he calls and tell me that he wedding is off. I was like "What?!? are you serious?!?!" His excuse againg he said he had a lack of fund. BS!! if you tell me. I know for a fact that he told his mother and she convinced him to break things off. I was hurt, devastated, i cant explain how i feel, shattered, too many feelings. So oviously, he didnt want to end things, he still wanted to be with me until he was "ready". I didnt know so i was confused for about a week.
On Sunday March 7, I had made up my mind, since all through out the week his behavior didnt change. He was still avoiding me and well ignoring me. So i called him. I had my mind straight. It hurt to end things with him but i know i did the right thing. He just kept hurting me and this was the last strike. Up today, i dont know whether to be relieved or sad. I think it has to do with the fact that i was fed up with his attitude towards me that i decided to end things. I cried on Sunday but no more.
My opinion on all this is the fact that things happen for a reason. I mean I know that its 4 years down the drain but how could he do this to me. I still dont understand and im pretty sure he had someone else, its hard to admit it but i know its true, now im single, but saying single doesnt hurt like it did before. I think it has to do with the fact that i finally understood that this relationship was going no where with him being confused. Im no cruel to ask him to choose between him and his mother.
So yeah all that just in March, and we are barely starting , crazy huh?
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