One month...

Dear Diary,
So i have had a lot going on. I feel life right now is extremely chaotic in the sense that i barely have time to decipher what exactly is going on. So first off, I have been in the hospital since last Monday, which was Oct. 19 and it wasnt because of my uncle. This time was my grandma. She got extremely sick. Since i am the eldest and since i am in charge of everyone i ended up with her on the hospital. I haven't been more scared in my life. My grandmother had gotten the flu, but she ended throwing up. Doctors scared the hell out of me saying that she had the swine flu and that she had to be quarantined. I nearly fainted when they told me that. I was shocked, I mean, you havent slept all night and doctors come to the ER and tell you at 3 am that she has the swine flu, it was a shocker. I was taken completely by surprise. They did a bunch of test on her and well they came up with another story that she might have pneumonia. At this point i did not know what to think. So, i had to stay sleep over at hospital for 3 nights. In the end she just had a bad case of the flu. I came home with her on Friday, but she is still weak, she can barely walk, I want to be a nurse when i grow up and now im a personalized nurse 24/7. Im exhausted, this weekend, well it was rough but i went to go see Paranormal Activity. It was scary, i havent had a movie frighten me for a while...lol....confession here....it creep me out that at night i am kinda creeped out...lol....well my grandma is well for now, still weak, but she is recovering. As for me, problems seem to be piling up.

So last night i couldnt go to sleep and well i noticed that its October 26, a month since my heart  was torn into pieces. Oh you should of seen me last night. My head ended up hurting at 3 in the morning for the crying i had been doing since 1 in the morning, it was bad, real bad, i just cried with all my heart, soul, and body into the tears. It was bad. I have a bad case of puffy and red eyes today. Worst case, i had a dream about him, it was what i want, him. I dont know what is going to happen but i do know that i want him back, to love him and treasure him. I keep asking my self why i love the one person who hurt me that most. I am supposed to walk away and bid farewell, but i cant. I guess time heals wounds right? TIME.....

Pains and Aches

Dear Diary,
I don't like being sick. Its awful. My body hurts. It hurt even worse when i cough. I feel without energy all down and out. I had fever just for one day. It was hell. My head hurt, i couldn't see straight, my eyes burned, typical fever symptoms. Now its the damn cough. My inside shudder when i'm going to have a cough attack. Its awful and extremely painful.
I came to a conclusion yesterday when i was with my mother. I started thinking of all the things that my ex did to me that hurt me and well it was a long list. So remembering that actually helped me a lot. Today i woke up with a new sense of purpose. I don't have him, but i may have some sort of resentment and anger towards him. I know its bad, and i got to clean my feelings. Dont know how im gonna do it, but i have to.

Sincerely yours,

Re-Cap!

Dear Diary,
Man, so many things have been happening lately.
1. I'm sick! with fever and cough
2. My uncle got out of the hospital yesterday. Thank God!!
3. It's raining
4. I feel everything is going well.

For the past couple of days i have been extremely busy. I barely have time for myself. I feel like everything is passing by so quick.

I really dont have much to say apart that this killer headache will claim me at any moment. I have put mind tricks saying that im not sick and it works, at least for me it does, but then again its really hard to stop coughing and make this headache go away.

I need my stuff froggie!!

Bunches of Love

Too much, way too much....

Dear Diary,

So, on Sunday which was October 4, my aunt called and asked if i wanted to go with her to a party. The party was going to be held in the salon in which i want to get married in. Its beautiful and it just made me want to have that salon even more know. So, i agreed and went and was ok. I danced, but with an older man, more correctly my uncle's boss. Since i dont dance the cumbia genre, i was bad at dancing, I was blushing all the way. He held me like a gentleman, but the waist. LOL. Oh and i drank 2 margaritas, but it wasnt enought to get me drunk...damn...lol..This whole week has been chaotic, going to the hospital to see my uncle and the doctor, family...argh its a little too much for me. Oh i forgot, my daddy found a job. Im so happy and excited for him.

Now, to the sad and miserable part of my life. I keep dreaming about him. Always talking to him, kissing him, and hugging him. And its always around the same time, Halloween and the beginning of November. I know some thing is going to happen but i want to know what it is. I know its hard for me, to get him off my dreams, but i feel safe and secure with him, i sometimes wish night can come faster so i can dream about him.

So, on Sunday, i forwarded him a message i received and so he replied, we txted and he called me. We talked for about 15 mins since he called when i was going home. That call, honestly tore down all my defenses i have been working on for the last week. I cried when i got home. It hurt so much. So we started with hi and stuff. I heard some noise in the background and i asked him wat it was. He replied that he was trying to install a program on the computer since he bought an ipod. I was like oh, oh ok...he then added that he bought one for him and my sister. In my mind i was like wat?!?! sister?, shes down here in LA, is he like going to send it to her?!! He immediately replied with "i went down to LA this weekend and i just got here to Reno couple minutes ago." Got damn, he tore me to pieces, i was speechless and i quickly  responded with, oh you didnt buy me something. That was the best i could come up wit at the moment. The conversation kept going and i did everything i could not to show i was hurt, but it was f-ing hard. When i clicked. I was shocked, i could barely keep going with my aunt. Tears were forming in my eyes, i was ready to bawl my guts out at that moment but i kept my facade and waited home. When i told my mom, i was barely able to finish the sentence and started crying.

 I went to take a shower and started thinking, how im such a fool, thinking that he still cared and loved me. I mean honestly, he broke it off, he could of come over and said hi, or try to mend stuff between us. It hurt too much... He came down here and I didnt know and if it wasnt because of the message i could of still been in my little fantasy of everything is gonna work out between us. I think he told me on purpose to hurt me even more. I know doesnt have the "duty" of coming to see me, but couldnt he come and settle things out? I kept thinking how almost a year ago, he promised me that he came back to stay forever. He promised he was never going to hurt me and he was here to be wit me until we got married. I might be a hopeless romantic, but when the guy whom you love with everything you got walks out on you, and treats you like nothing ever happend, like your a stranger and like your indifferent to him, damn it hurts. I hadnt cried for some days, but every single time i think about it, it makes me so miserable. Im done, i begged, i told him not to go, not to leave, to keep this going, i cried and he didnt care. Im done, im leaving it as is. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. Like the saying goes, "i did my part but i cant do it alone". Its not that i wont stop loving him, its just i cant keep getting hurt, its not fair, Im the one wit the broken heart and he keeps stomping on it, and now i cant keep going like this.

What can i say?

Dear Diary,

God is hard to be witout him. I saw what he posted on myspace and well it made my heart beat so quick. I was scared and nervous. I mean, its nervewrecking, but he decided it so, monkeywuv gots to take her love somewhere else. Theres nothing i can do, if he wants me back, he knows where to find me right? Some times, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I love him and always will, its just that for right now, it thinks its best if we cool it. Give each other time to think and analyze everything that has happened and will happen.

Aside for boy issues, I spend the whole day in the hospital. My uncle got sick again, and well there was a lot of blood involved. God, i was suprised and i didnt txt him for comfort, i stuck to my decision. Yay for me?? Im side tracking again....please forgive me. My uncle is admitted to the ICU for the next three days, its gonna be hard so i have lots headed my way.

So i have decided im gonna start working. Its gonna be hard since i have never had a job before...he he.... but me need cash!!! PRONTO!!! Dont know how or where or when, but i have my mind made up and im gonna do it... Wish Me Luck!!

Bunches of Love

October already...

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? Its October already, seems that time flies by so quick. Halloween is in exactly 30 days...scary huh? What can i say apart that i couldnt help it but i broke down last night. I was doing so perfectly, but when i was taking a shower, I missed him so much and the next thing i new i was crying. Before i fell asleep, i kept thinking about him and broke down again. Today i woke up and my eyes are puffy, they hurt, dont ask, but i had a dream last night that brought my hopes up again. Dont tell anyone but something my dreams can fortell the future. It was about him and everything was perfect, all im waiting on time. Patience is a virtue, or so they say. But, its hard trying to assimilate to being alone. Its not that i cant be with someone else its that i dont want to at this point. I just want to heal completely and then try to find someone. But for now i know im best off alone. Im being strong to move on and i know im going to keep having these episodes of sadness every once in a while. I want him, but for now i have to figure out what i want in life too. If he wants to talk to me, then he is welcome. But i dont think its my job to start talking to him. He ended it, so if he wants something from me then, he should be a man and face up to it.

Lovingly mine,