Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Yes its been a while,
I know I know, its not that i want to neglect my blog, its just so many things are happening all at once. Im shocked to see how my life can be turned upside down in a matter of months...i just dont know any more. Its so complicated, but Im going to start doing more. So be expecting me soon.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I'm Amazed!
Dear Diary,
As you know yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day. I honestly thought that i was going to cry all day long and stay in bed. On the contrary, i dont feel the need to cry or to be sad, on the contrary, i feel as if things do happen for a reason. I know that sooner or later this roller coaster im experiencing will pass. For now, i choose what i want, what i desire. In the end, its only me, myself, and GOD. Im not sad, nor happy. For now, I'm at peace because i know that in the end God will give me what i need. He will choose for me exactly what i deserve.
As you know yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day. I honestly thought that i was going to cry all day long and stay in bed. On the contrary, i dont feel the need to cry or to be sad, on the contrary, i feel as if things do happen for a reason. I know that sooner or later this roller coaster im experiencing will pass. For now, i choose what i want, what i desire. In the end, its only me, myself, and GOD. Im not sad, nor happy. For now, I'm at peace because i know that in the end God will give me what i need. He will choose for me exactly what i deserve.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Oh Shinny, Bright Moon
Dear Moon,
Here I am for the 3rd time speaking to you, regardless of everything that is happening at the moment i feel your my only best friend i have. It has been so long, to see you all shinny. I have missed that very much. Yet, when i look at you, i feel a sense of peace, as if what I'm going through is only temporarily. I don't know if this is true but i do know that i can always have you to count on. At the end of the day, everyday, you stand proud and tall and make me realize that everything is possible. Thank you moon!
Here I am for the 3rd time speaking to you, regardless of everything that is happening at the moment i feel your my only best friend i have. It has been so long, to see you all shinny. I have missed that very much. Yet, when i look at you, i feel a sense of peace, as if what I'm going through is only temporarily. I don't know if this is true but i do know that i can always have you to count on. At the end of the day, everyday, you stand proud and tall and make me realize that everything is possible. Thank you moon!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Finally!
Dear Diary,
I finally figured out all these emotions that are attacking me. Since Tuesday I have started running and that has helped me a lot to relieve all this stress and emotions that i have stored up. I finally started to admit to my self that i did the right thing letting my ex go. Realizing this has helped me alot because I'm starting to forget, but forgiving is process i don't want to think about right now. I think that feeling my body changing to a beautiful form is helping alot lol. I feel my curves coming back again and I'm loving myself more and more each day. I know that for summer my body will be my kind perfect. I'm so excited. I'm also excited about my online buddy, I think he's helping me move on. It might be mild flirting but its something i come to enjoy and look forward to. Feelings? Crush maybe but i don't physically know him, so I'm hesitating. But I'm scared of having this crush grow bigger. Yeah im looking at the heart instead of beauty, but thats what scares me. A LOT! But time will tell, lets see what happens lol...
I finally figured out all these emotions that are attacking me. Since Tuesday I have started running and that has helped me a lot to relieve all this stress and emotions that i have stored up. I finally started to admit to my self that i did the right thing letting my ex go. Realizing this has helped me alot because I'm starting to forget, but forgiving is process i don't want to think about right now. I think that feeling my body changing to a beautiful form is helping alot lol. I feel my curves coming back again and I'm loving myself more and more each day. I know that for summer my body will be my kind perfect. I'm so excited. I'm also excited about my online buddy, I think he's helping me move on. It might be mild flirting but its something i come to enjoy and look forward to. Feelings? Crush maybe but i don't physically know him, so I'm hesitating. But I'm scared of having this crush grow bigger. Yeah im looking at the heart instead of beauty, but thats what scares me. A LOT! But time will tell, lets see what happens lol...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What do i do?
Dear Diary,
I never thought that i was going to be in this situation again. I am getting a grip on my ex, but I can easily cry if someone brings up the subject or they ask me about him. Just thinking that in less than two weeks i would of been married hurts. Hurts to know that right now i should of been excited about the wedding, I should of been packing my stuff, counting the days, having sleepless nights. Now i cant have any of that and it hurts. It actually hurts so much more to know "my ex-fiancee", he hasn't even tried to contact me in anyway. Its like i never existed, nonetheless, never meant anything to him.
Yet through all this mess, i have met a new guy online. Yes, it sounds crazy but i actually like his personality, im getting to met his world inside instead of out. I have seen pictures, doesnt really call my attention but i come to enjoy our conversation. He is in the navy and he lives in San Diego, which is about 2 hrs from LA. Some how our conversation led up to him telling me that he can come up and actually meet each other physically and im debating big time. I have never done this and well i feel he came to blunt about the whole situation. I really dont know what to do, my mom for one tells me to go for and get to meet him, since it wont imply anything serious. We can have fun just being friends, but im still on the "if" side. Im so confused its frustrating on what to do. Im going to get help
I never thought that i was going to be in this situation again. I am getting a grip on my ex, but I can easily cry if someone brings up the subject or they ask me about him. Just thinking that in less than two weeks i would of been married hurts. Hurts to know that right now i should of been excited about the wedding, I should of been packing my stuff, counting the days, having sleepless nights. Now i cant have any of that and it hurts. It actually hurts so much more to know "my ex-fiancee", he hasn't even tried to contact me in anyway. Its like i never existed, nonetheless, never meant anything to him.
Yet through all this mess, i have met a new guy online. Yes, it sounds crazy but i actually like his personality, im getting to met his world inside instead of out. I have seen pictures, doesnt really call my attention but i come to enjoy our conversation. He is in the navy and he lives in San Diego, which is about 2 hrs from LA. Some how our conversation led up to him telling me that he can come up and actually meet each other physically and im debating big time. I have never done this and well i feel he came to blunt about the whole situation. I really dont know what to do, my mom for one tells me to go for and get to meet him, since it wont imply anything serious. We can have fun just being friends, but im still on the "if" side. Im so confused its frustrating on what to do. Im going to get help
Friday, May 7, 2010
To my Forever Eternal a.k.a Silver
Is it true that time heals wounds? or does time makes the wounds deeper? Will the love that i feel for you die out and scatter the ashes as time goes by? or will they flourish when i see you? Will these memories fade like a black and white movie screen and then die out? Or will they always stay with me locked up inside my head where no one can go in? Will time and destiny bring me someone that can make me forget you, your touch, your kisses, your warmth? Or will it bring you back into my life? Will i ever be able to talk to other guys and finally be able not to pretend its you? Or when ever i close my eyes, will i imagine its you who's kissing me, who's touching me, and hugging me? Will i finally be able to move one, and love the person who is with me? Or will i always be comparing you to them, thinking you are the standard to beat? Will i ever stop asking myself why? why did this happen? Or will i finally acknowledge that it was for the best?
Although i keep asking myself these questions, i know the answer and i don't like them because im scared of leaving that love behind, forgetting what we once were. I know things happen for a reason, but im scared to admit that your not mine, scared to lose you, that one person who i honestly fell in love with, and im definitely scared of seeing you with some one else living the life we dreamed about, with the kids we planned for. Sometimes the fact that you were forced to be strong was enough to actually turn you into what you had to be. STRONG. In the end, as much as i hate to acknowledge it, I know i will be strong to over come these feelings, I will be strong to see you and not cry because in the end its what God's will that will prevail. If its meant to be then its going to be Forever Eternal, but if not, then i honestly do wish you the best, even if it kills me. I know that our paths will cross someday, whether we like it or not, life always has its twists and turns, but i know that if they do, this time i wont have anything to do with it since i wont go looking for you, All i have to say is Karma always comes back even when you dont expect it and when it hits you will remember what we had and wish it was still there/ Im done trying to make things work, if you want me you will come looking for me. And when we do meet again, I might honestly have the strength to look the other way and bite my tongue and bite back tears when i say "it was nice seeing you" and walk away. But i want to keep believing that your my Forever Eternal, i want to believe that our future is still there, but if not then God will give bring to me the guy that actually deserves me and the love u neglect and threw away will be his.
Although i keep asking myself these questions, i know the answer and i don't like them because im scared of leaving that love behind, forgetting what we once were. I know things happen for a reason, but im scared to admit that your not mine, scared to lose you, that one person who i honestly fell in love with, and im definitely scared of seeing you with some one else living the life we dreamed about, with the kids we planned for. Sometimes the fact that you were forced to be strong was enough to actually turn you into what you had to be. STRONG. In the end, as much as i hate to acknowledge it, I know i will be strong to over come these feelings, I will be strong to see you and not cry because in the end its what God's will that will prevail. If its meant to be then its going to be Forever Eternal, but if not, then i honestly do wish you the best, even if it kills me. I know that our paths will cross someday, whether we like it or not, life always has its twists and turns, but i know that if they do, this time i wont have anything to do with it since i wont go looking for you, All i have to say is Karma always comes back even when you dont expect it and when it hits you will remember what we had and wish it was still there/ Im done trying to make things work, if you want me you will come looking for me. And when we do meet again, I might honestly have the strength to look the other way and bite my tongue and bite back tears when i say "it was nice seeing you" and walk away. But i want to keep believing that your my Forever Eternal, i want to believe that our future is still there, but if not then God will give bring to me the guy that actually deserves me and the love u neglect and threw away will be his.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Im hating the month of May
Everything is reminding me of what could of been and everything that goes with him. My whole system is inclined to shed tears very quickly. All the memories, everything leading up to my so called "big wedding day" on May 29, and it doesnt help when my family and friends keep asking about the wedding. When i see something that he gave me or something that reminds me of him, i want to throw it, trash it, break it, destroy it, yet i just stare and grieve inside me. I guess if i where alone i would be a mess, but i have the most important thing in my life and thats my mother who has helped me a lot. She tells me the truth and although it hurts, infuriates me, i know she's right. I love her and thanks to her, i have been able to control myself to call him, send him an email or try contact him any sort of way.
So yesterday it was my first day at my new job. Damn i got to say it was very hard. I never thought taking care of a 2 year old was hard. I got to admit she's very spoiled which causes all my patience to stir up. Yet, she creates a distraction for me and makes me forget my problems for a couple hours. I some time wish i had my baby of my own, but im not ready yet.
So yesterday it was my first day at my new job. Damn i got to say it was very hard. I never thought taking care of a 2 year old was hard. I got to admit she's very spoiled which causes all my patience to stir up. Yet, she creates a distraction for me and makes me forget my problems for a couple hours. I some time wish i had my baby of my own, but im not ready yet.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Moon i speak to you once more....
Dear Moon,
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Total Spin
Dear Diary,
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Late....
Sometimes I think about
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything
These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything
These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.
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