Moon i speak to you once more....

Dear Moon,
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.

Total Spin

Dear Diary,
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF  the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its  was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen  for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.

Late....

Sometimes I think about
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything

These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.

April 2010

Dear Diary,
I never thought that time was going to go by that quick. I feel like i just wake up and then when i look at the time its 9:00 PM. Seriously, its goes by so quick.
During these last few weeks i have been pondering about "the break-up" and every day that goes by i am finally able to see the truth and i realize that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. Its something that I was finally able to open my eyes and truly see the reality of the situation. Since he left the first time, it hasn't been a relationship and sooner or later this was going to happen. Although i wanted to make things work, it was not going to. I let myself become someone that was not me. I let myself get step on, i begged, i let my self deteriorate just to save a relationship that was doomed to fail. In the end, i always leave myself wondering "What if he comes back? Will I take him back?" Im in the stage where i wont jump and yes. Now i feel that i will say I don't know. I feel anger and resentment, but i dont feel hatred, at least not yet.
I recently drop a lot of weight. I think its because i got sick, but my uncle thinks its because im heart broken. I got a new look, I cut my hair and got bangs. Freaking annoying as hell, by i will get by. Yet, when i walk out that door, i feel confident. I walk with my head high knowing that life is yet to come and i have noticed how guys look at me. I have seen boys turn heads for me. Which makes me wonder, "Why did i become someone im not for him?"
Time will tell but know im not happy but not sad anymore. I'm neutral, pretty soon I know i will be happy.

Book Sayings....

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
"Grief and love were the same thing because they both led to mistakes."
"Love isnt only passion and joy. Its also sacrifice."
"All the fairy tales, the romance novels, the soap operas; they are all lies. Love does not conquer all."
"Last however long it needs to last. In the end it will be God's will that will prevail."
"Love isnt a fling in a back room at a party. It was something you lived and died for."
"Some doors should stay shut, because once opened they could never be closed again."
"Sometimes is better to live in a lie than to know the truth."
"Sometimes just having fought is important, even if you dont win."
"It was like a failed experiment-something that had seemed to have potential but that, ultimately, was a failure."
"Time can not destroy it. I am that Love- time can not touch me. Time but changes the form. Somewhere in some time it will return. When you least expect it the face of a loved one reappears. Look beyond the face and you will see me."
"She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out."

Through out all my time of reading books, these quotes are the one that called out to me. These quotes some how relate to the way i was emotionally feeling at the moment.

Full Moon Tonight

Dear Moon,
Today the world is seeing you full again. If you believe in wiccan methods, it means the end, or better known as the phase of the moon where you commit to lose something. For example, commit to lose weight, commit to end a nail eating habit, or in my case commit to forgetting him. Moon, today i found out that like i said before that he was cheating on me. I know have confirmed it. I could not believe it when i saw it with my own eyes. At the moment i was with my mother, it took all my guts not to start crying. It was extremely painful. Yet when i went to my room, i cried. Cried because i was a fool, cried because a mother is always right. At the moment it might seem that they are trying to cause us pain but in reality mother always knows best. Cried because he did not loved me and i was a fool to believe he did. It has not even been a month that we broke up our engagement and he is already playing his games with another girl. Like the saying says, far away love only brings sadness.
Exactly how much can a heart handle so much pain? I wonder exactly where did i go wrong, but it wasnt me. I know that and i dont blame my heart, i know for a fact. After what i found out, i would understand that i would hate him, but i dont. It just made me realize my mistake of thinking he will come back. Actually, it made up my mind to forget him. The love that i have for him is there but the flame is frozen under a ton of ice that i build around it. For it to even get the slightest crack, i have to make it.
Now, i know that its easier to begin when you're not dragging around the past. My past is frozen and hidden in the back of my mind, to the very far back of my mind. I have to keep my head high, move forward and forget and learn to forgive him. I wish him the best, but I have made up my mind. Whatever happens happens, but if he decides to come back, he is in for one hell of a ride. Like the saying says, if he wants war, he will get war.

Oh Man....

Dear Diary,
Not that Im trying to neglect you or anything but its been a hard week for me.
I had like the major version of the flu. First i started of with a strep throat, i got antibiotics. Soon after that i got the flu. After the flu, now, i have the cough. Its  horrible. I cant believe it. I have been through hell in less than a week. I couldnt drink or eat anything. Everything was irritating me and the fever was making it worse.
And not to mention the fact that my little brother had his tonsils removed on last week Tuesday and he was feeling bad.  Everything just piled up on me all at one time.

Worst of all has been the crying, I've been emotional and everything makes me cry, especially when i remember him, i start crying hysterically. Him, all i could think about is him. I have been having dreams about him and i dont like them at all. It always has to do with him and another girl. Something inside of me tells me that its true. Deep down inside of me i know that he had someone else that why our engagement went down the drain. Its as if, its was always there except i didnt want to see it. In a way i feel that its pointless like i should give up, but it doesnt mean that it still hurts. I know that in the end, karma always takes effect whether we want it or not, but i dont want him to feel the pain that i have felt. Its a pain that i wouldnt even want my worst enemies to feel because its unbearable and every one that has gone through this pain knows what im talking about. In the end i will leave it in God's hand to decide what is going to happen. Whatever happens happens and i wont complain. Its a pain, a huge pain only God and time can heal. I need a lot of time.....

Big, Long Day Today

Dear Diary,
Today was a long day. Although its official i havent spoken with him for the last week, im in pain, but its not what is bothering me today.I have a whole bunch of things going on. My little brother had a surgery today. He got his tonsil and his adenoids removed today with another procedure done to him on his ear. It was devasting since i was in the hospital since 7 in the morning and got out at 1:00 PM. Its a painful experience but i knew that doing this surgery he was going to get better and healthier. He is good, yet is in terrible pain, but with his meds i know that he is going to get better.

Eclipse!

Yesterday was the first ever clip of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I was extremely excited and i nearly fainted!
Im so excited and well as you know as of next week the Twilight Saga: New Moon will come out in DVD which of course is going to be March 20!! Can't Wait!!!

From Darkness to Sunlight...

This is dedicated to him, you know who you are.

One day i wake up knowing that life is just like my dream, i'm getting married in a month. its exciting its really happening. Then my uncle dies, so we move the wedding date. Now that the wedding date is just around the corner, you tell me that a financial burden is causing you to say u don't want to get married, that its too much and you rather wait. i tell you how long and you reply with an i don't know. How can you do this to a bride to be, when she is excited, planning her wedding, experiencing the adrenaline coming from the fact that you are going to be mine and mine only. It hurts so bad. Next you tell me that you don't want me to leave you want me to stay and keep u company because you don't want to be alone. I look like a fool telling every one that the wedding is off, you crushed my hopes my dreams my desires and yet u ask me to stay. I cant do that, its too much so i have to let go knowing that you are not ready for what we have, it crushes me but what more is there to do? Im laughing knowing that i was naive to get married at the age of 20 but i call it love. But i know that i have a bright future ahead of me. I can make it on my own and i don't need you to make things happen. If its meant to be when your ready you'll come back, if you truly did love me you will come back and if you didn't then you wont. and if you wont i will find someone that i have been looking for and for once during this time i will be ambitious settle for nothing more than what i deserve because with you i let the true me hide, i have to resurface now with more dignity and strength knowing that the future is going to be better than the past.