Re-Cap!

Dear Diary,
Man, so many things have been happening lately.
1. I'm sick! with fever and cough
2. My uncle got out of the hospital yesterday. Thank God!!
3. It's raining
4. I feel everything is going well.

For the past couple of days i have been extremely busy. I barely have time for myself. I feel like everything is passing by so quick.

I really dont have much to say apart that this killer headache will claim me at any moment. I have put mind tricks saying that im not sick and it works, at least for me it does, but then again its really hard to stop coughing and make this headache go away.

I need my stuff froggie!!

Bunches of Love

Too much, way too much....

Dear Diary,

So, on Sunday which was October 4, my aunt called and asked if i wanted to go with her to a party. The party was going to be held in the salon in which i want to get married in. Its beautiful and it just made me want to have that salon even more know. So, i agreed and went and was ok. I danced, but with an older man, more correctly my uncle's boss. Since i dont dance the cumbia genre, i was bad at dancing, I was blushing all the way. He held me like a gentleman, but the waist. LOL. Oh and i drank 2 margaritas, but it wasnt enought to get me drunk...damn...lol..This whole week has been chaotic, going to the hospital to see my uncle and the doctor, family...argh its a little too much for me. Oh i forgot, my daddy found a job. Im so happy and excited for him.

Now, to the sad and miserable part of my life. I keep dreaming about him. Always talking to him, kissing him, and hugging him. And its always around the same time, Halloween and the beginning of November. I know some thing is going to happen but i want to know what it is. I know its hard for me, to get him off my dreams, but i feel safe and secure with him, i sometimes wish night can come faster so i can dream about him.

So, on Sunday, i forwarded him a message i received and so he replied, we txted and he called me. We talked for about 15 mins since he called when i was going home. That call, honestly tore down all my defenses i have been working on for the last week. I cried when i got home. It hurt so much. So we started with hi and stuff. I heard some noise in the background and i asked him wat it was. He replied that he was trying to install a program on the computer since he bought an ipod. I was like oh, oh ok...he then added that he bought one for him and my sister. In my mind i was like wat?!?! sister?, shes down here in LA, is he like going to send it to her?!! He immediately replied with "i went down to LA this weekend and i just got here to Reno couple minutes ago." Got damn, he tore me to pieces, i was speechless and i quickly  responded with, oh you didnt buy me something. That was the best i could come up wit at the moment. The conversation kept going and i did everything i could not to show i was hurt, but it was f-ing hard. When i clicked. I was shocked, i could barely keep going with my aunt. Tears were forming in my eyes, i was ready to bawl my guts out at that moment but i kept my facade and waited home. When i told my mom, i was barely able to finish the sentence and started crying.

 I went to take a shower and started thinking, how im such a fool, thinking that he still cared and loved me. I mean honestly, he broke it off, he could of come over and said hi, or try to mend stuff between us. It hurt too much... He came down here and I didnt know and if it wasnt because of the message i could of still been in my little fantasy of everything is gonna work out between us. I think he told me on purpose to hurt me even more. I know doesnt have the "duty" of coming to see me, but couldnt he come and settle things out? I kept thinking how almost a year ago, he promised me that he came back to stay forever. He promised he was never going to hurt me and he was here to be wit me until we got married. I might be a hopeless romantic, but when the guy whom you love with everything you got walks out on you, and treats you like nothing ever happend, like your a stranger and like your indifferent to him, damn it hurts. I hadnt cried for some days, but every single time i think about it, it makes me so miserable. Im done, i begged, i told him not to go, not to leave, to keep this going, i cried and he didnt care. Im done, im leaving it as is. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. Like the saying goes, "i did my part but i cant do it alone". Its not that i wont stop loving him, its just i cant keep getting hurt, its not fair, Im the one wit the broken heart and he keeps stomping on it, and now i cant keep going like this.

What can i say?

Dear Diary,

God is hard to be witout him. I saw what he posted on myspace and well it made my heart beat so quick. I was scared and nervous. I mean, its nervewrecking, but he decided it so, monkeywuv gots to take her love somewhere else. Theres nothing i can do, if he wants me back, he knows where to find me right? Some times, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I love him and always will, its just that for right now, it thinks its best if we cool it. Give each other time to think and analyze everything that has happened and will happen.

Aside for boy issues, I spend the whole day in the hospital. My uncle got sick again, and well there was a lot of blood involved. God, i was suprised and i didnt txt him for comfort, i stuck to my decision. Yay for me?? Im side tracking again....please forgive me. My uncle is admitted to the ICU for the next three days, its gonna be hard so i have lots headed my way.

So i have decided im gonna start working. Its gonna be hard since i have never had a job before...he he.... but me need cash!!! PRONTO!!! Dont know how or where or when, but i have my mind made up and im gonna do it... Wish Me Luck!!

Bunches of Love

October already...

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? Its October already, seems that time flies by so quick. Halloween is in exactly 30 days...scary huh? What can i say apart that i couldnt help it but i broke down last night. I was doing so perfectly, but when i was taking a shower, I missed him so much and the next thing i new i was crying. Before i fell asleep, i kept thinking about him and broke down again. Today i woke up and my eyes are puffy, they hurt, dont ask, but i had a dream last night that brought my hopes up again. Dont tell anyone but something my dreams can fortell the future. It was about him and everything was perfect, all im waiting on time. Patience is a virtue, or so they say. But, its hard trying to assimilate to being alone. Its not that i cant be with someone else its that i dont want to at this point. I just want to heal completely and then try to find someone. But for now i know im best off alone. Im being strong to move on and i know im going to keep having these episodes of sadness every once in a while. I want him, but for now i have to figure out what i want in life too. If he wants to talk to me, then he is welcome. But i dont think its my job to start talking to him. He ended it, so if he wants something from me then, he should be a man and face up to it.

Lovingly mine,

Sunday Drama

Dear Diary,
So today was a long day for me. I barely got home about an hour ago. I had a fun day, i was able to forget about my issues for a day. First i went to Laguna Niguel, an hour from my house, it was beautiful, getting there, the valley had an amazing view. Next i got home and got dressed to go to a party/wedding. It was fun, since i was able to chat with family members, they might be conceited and prideful...ha ha that my new word...but i had fun. My second cousin "AB" had guy problems and she was only 14, she really needs a guide in her life, if not then she is going to get lost. Her only role model "IO" is 19 but acts like she 15. IO has a baby of 1yr and 3 months, its a shame IO baby thinks her grandmother is her mother. Its a really confusing story. IO "husband" is 21 but he acts like a little kid with high hormones. Its funny really. I know for now im out of the dating game, so im not looking for anything. Him on the other hand, looks at me with eyes like he wants to eat me, he has a kid, but the he is oblivious to the baby. He found any excuse to be near or to see what im doing. I guess his "wife" got mad at him because after a while he was "trying" to avoid me. I told you it was complicated..ha ha.
So the hard part of this night was that my family members that knew about my ex-boyfriend, kept asking me for him. They asked how was he, i would reply he went to nevada, they would ask if he is coming down to see me, i would say yes, but i made it seem like a long distance relationship wasnt for me. They asked if he called, and i would reply he called everyday. I hate lying but there is nothing i can do for now i have to lie. The night concluded with my IO's mom telling me that she is proud of me that i am still living with my mom and that she is proud of me for not being pregnant. She said she wished she was my mom, because i make my family proud. I laughed and said that for now I not ready to settle down and its going to be a while until im ready to have kids, I need to have fun and enjoy what life is going to throw at me.
So that was my day, long and complicated, but its another day i made it through without crying...

Sad Day Today...

Dear Diary,
So this day was immenent. My boyfriend of almost four years and I broke up. What can i say apart from i made it work and gave everything i had. He didnt want a stable relationship, and he choose money over love. His future consists of money and power and he rather throw everything we had for that. Its a shame really, to make it clear i hold no grudge or hatred towards him, in a way i feel relieved and sad. Relieved in a way that i know that i wont be crying any more over his confused mind and his way of treating me. Im sad because in reality i was extremely in love with him. I can honestly say that i would of given everything up for him. His words were like a prophecy to me, waiting to be full filled. If i know he would of been at the bottom of the bridge i would of thrown myself off the cliff just to be with him. But he didnt want that. I gave him everything i had and if he didnt appreciate it then its him who i have to blame. He wasnt willing to fight for what we had and it just proves to me that maybe he never loved me, that i was just his toy all these years. I know im not the one to blame and i know i have to get back into my own two feet. I have to show myself that im beautiful and any guy would be proud and happy to have me. It doesnt mean that Im going to jump in front of the first guy i meet. It will take me time but i will come out on top. One day he will hear about me and realize what he lost and think of what could of been. We might once again meet up and  try again or i will decide to find myself denying him. I know its difficult but i will once see the sun shinning bright again. I just need time. Crying wont take me anywhere, being strong and moving on will. For now im sad.

 Tearfully,

Books only tell the reality...

Dear Diary,

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by  Beth Fantaskey.I got this book today and finished it in a matter of hours.  I know i have read extremely great books including the Twilight Saga but i have to say this is by far the best book i have ever read. I could of changed some parts of the book and the ending, but it was amazing. I never thought a book could cause me to break down and cry, to make me relate to the characters to an emotional level. I guess since this book hits so close to home. I know that books are based on an emotional level and this one proves it.

So it came true...

Dear Diary,
I know its been 2 weeks since i last wrote but a whole bunch of things have been going on. So my boyfriend is moving to Reno this weekend. I have extreme mixed feelings about the whole situation. I currently am  happy for him and wish him the best of luck, but at the same time i am sad, pessimistic, and with a feeling that i dont want him to leave. I feel that things may go wrong, we as a couple cant work a long distance relationship and many more things. I really dont know what to think let alone understand. I feel everything just crashed into me all at the same time. He has his apartment and everything, but i feel dispriviledged because as his girlfried i have the right to have a key, sneak out of my place to go to his, or wait for him there. I guess im letting everything get to me but i feel lonely, i try not to show this to him, but damn it gets hard. He leaves this weekend to live in Reno and i know its imminent the hours im going to spend crying. Its childish considering we are going to make it through but i feel like crying my guts off...
Bunches of Love

Its been awhile...

I have had a really hectic month. So many things to worry and do. This whole month I have mostly been worried about my boyfriend. He is being relocated to Reno, Nevada and we live here in Southern California. Its only a couple hours drive, but being apart from someone who you have been with for 3 1/2 years, idk it just pains me to think of being apart from him. About an hour or so, he just found out he got the job and well he is gonna leave me...sniff sniff...don't know whats going to happen or when is this big change going to come, but i think I'm going to over work my brain if i keep thinking of what is going to happen.

I am Back!!

Dear Diary,

So for the last couple weeks, I did not expect to be in such a chaotic situation. Like i said before my aunt had her baby and well she got sick and was not able to do anything and i had to help her. Every time i tried doing something for myself i was thrown a whole bunch of different chores and things to do but now im back!!

So many things to do and well so little time. Damn its already AUGUST!! time is flying so quick!! But any how, things turned out great had a great time with the baby and all and i was happy to take care of a newborn. They are extremely difficult to take care of, all nighters, diapers, food....i mean the list goes on and on. But im here rejuvinated...now lets get back to our schedule.

Bunches of Love