Dear Moon,
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Total Spin
Dear Diary,
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Late....
Sometimes I think about
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything
These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything
These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
April 2010
Dear Diary,
I never thought that time was going to go by that quick. I feel like i just wake up and then when i look at the time its 9:00 PM. Seriously, its goes by so quick.
During these last few weeks i have been pondering about "the break-up" and every day that goes by i am finally able to see the truth and i realize that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. Its something that I was finally able to open my eyes and truly see the reality of the situation. Since he left the first time, it hasn't been a relationship and sooner or later this was going to happen. Although i wanted to make things work, it was not going to. I let myself become someone that was not me. I let myself get step on, i begged, i let my self deteriorate just to save a relationship that was doomed to fail. In the end, i always leave myself wondering "What if he comes back? Will I take him back?" Im in the stage where i wont jump and yes. Now i feel that i will say I don't know. I feel anger and resentment, but i dont feel hatred, at least not yet.
I recently drop a lot of weight. I think its because i got sick, but my uncle thinks its because im heart broken. I got a new look, I cut my hair and got bangs. Freaking annoying as hell, by i will get by. Yet, when i walk out that door, i feel confident. I walk with my head high knowing that life is yet to come and i have noticed how guys look at me. I have seen boys turn heads for me. Which makes me wonder, "Why did i become someone im not for him?"
Time will tell but know im not happy but not sad anymore. I'm neutral, pretty soon I know i will be happy.
I never thought that time was going to go by that quick. I feel like i just wake up and then when i look at the time its 9:00 PM. Seriously, its goes by so quick.
During these last few weeks i have been pondering about "the break-up" and every day that goes by i am finally able to see the truth and i realize that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. Its something that I was finally able to open my eyes and truly see the reality of the situation. Since he left the first time, it hasn't been a relationship and sooner or later this was going to happen. Although i wanted to make things work, it was not going to. I let myself become someone that was not me. I let myself get step on, i begged, i let my self deteriorate just to save a relationship that was doomed to fail. In the end, i always leave myself wondering "What if he comes back? Will I take him back?" Im in the stage where i wont jump and yes. Now i feel that i will say I don't know. I feel anger and resentment, but i dont feel hatred, at least not yet.
I recently drop a lot of weight. I think its because i got sick, but my uncle thinks its because im heart broken. I got a new look, I cut my hair and got bangs. Freaking annoying as hell, by i will get by. Yet, when i walk out that door, i feel confident. I walk with my head high knowing that life is yet to come and i have noticed how guys look at me. I have seen boys turn heads for me. Which makes me wonder, "Why did i become someone im not for him?"
Time will tell but know im not happy but not sad anymore. I'm neutral, pretty soon I know i will be happy.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Book Sayings....
“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
"Grief and love were the same thing because they both led to mistakes."
"Love isnt only passion and joy. Its also sacrifice."
"All the fairy tales, the romance novels, the soap operas; they are all lies. Love does not conquer all."
"Last however long it needs to last. In the end it will be God's will that will prevail."
"Love isnt a fling in a back room at a party. It was something you lived and died for."
"Some doors should stay shut, because once opened they could never be closed again."
"Sometimes is better to live in a lie than to know the truth."
"Sometimes just having fought is important, even if you dont win."
"It was like a failed experiment-something that had seemed to have potential but that, ultimately, was a failure."
"Time can not destroy it. I am that Love- time can not touch me. Time but changes the form. Somewhere in some time it will return. When you least expect it the face of a loved one reappears. Look beyond the face and you will see me."
"She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out."
Through out all my time of reading books, these quotes are the one that called out to me. These quotes some how relate to the way i was emotionally feeling at the moment.
"Grief and love were the same thing because they both led to mistakes."
"Love isnt only passion and joy. Its also sacrifice."
"All the fairy tales, the romance novels, the soap operas; they are all lies. Love does not conquer all."
"Last however long it needs to last. In the end it will be God's will that will prevail."
"Love isnt a fling in a back room at a party. It was something you lived and died for."
"Some doors should stay shut, because once opened they could never be closed again."
"Sometimes is better to live in a lie than to know the truth."
"Sometimes just having fought is important, even if you dont win."
"It was like a failed experiment-something that had seemed to have potential but that, ultimately, was a failure."
"Time can not destroy it. I am that Love- time can not touch me. Time but changes the form. Somewhere in some time it will return. When you least expect it the face of a loved one reappears. Look beyond the face and you will see me."
"She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out."
Through out all my time of reading books, these quotes are the one that called out to me. These quotes some how relate to the way i was emotionally feeling at the moment.
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