Sunday Drama

Dear Diary,
So today was a long day for me. I barely got home about an hour ago. I had a fun day, i was able to forget about my issues for a day. First i went to Laguna Niguel, an hour from my house, it was beautiful, getting there, the valley had an amazing view. Next i got home and got dressed to go to a party/wedding. It was fun, since i was able to chat with family members, they might be conceited and prideful...ha ha that my new word...but i had fun. My second cousin "AB" had guy problems and she was only 14, she really needs a guide in her life, if not then she is going to get lost. Her only role model "IO" is 19 but acts like she 15. IO has a baby of 1yr and 3 months, its a shame IO baby thinks her grandmother is her mother. Its a really confusing story. IO "husband" is 21 but he acts like a little kid with high hormones. Its funny really. I know for now im out of the dating game, so im not looking for anything. Him on the other hand, looks at me with eyes like he wants to eat me, he has a kid, but the he is oblivious to the baby. He found any excuse to be near or to see what im doing. I guess his "wife" got mad at him because after a while he was "trying" to avoid me. I told you it was complicated..ha ha.
So the hard part of this night was that my family members that knew about my ex-boyfriend, kept asking me for him. They asked how was he, i would reply he went to nevada, they would ask if he is coming down to see me, i would say yes, but i made it seem like a long distance relationship wasnt for me. They asked if he called, and i would reply he called everyday. I hate lying but there is nothing i can do for now i have to lie. The night concluded with my IO's mom telling me that she is proud of me that i am still living with my mom and that she is proud of me for not being pregnant. She said she wished she was my mom, because i make my family proud. I laughed and said that for now I not ready to settle down and its going to be a while until im ready to have kids, I need to have fun and enjoy what life is going to throw at me.
So that was my day, long and complicated, but its another day i made it through without crying...

Sad Day Today...

Dear Diary,
So this day was immenent. My boyfriend of almost four years and I broke up. What can i say apart from i made it work and gave everything i had. He didnt want a stable relationship, and he choose money over love. His future consists of money and power and he rather throw everything we had for that. Its a shame really, to make it clear i hold no grudge or hatred towards him, in a way i feel relieved and sad. Relieved in a way that i know that i wont be crying any more over his confused mind and his way of treating me. Im sad because in reality i was extremely in love with him. I can honestly say that i would of given everything up for him. His words were like a prophecy to me, waiting to be full filled. If i know he would of been at the bottom of the bridge i would of thrown myself off the cliff just to be with him. But he didnt want that. I gave him everything i had and if he didnt appreciate it then its him who i have to blame. He wasnt willing to fight for what we had and it just proves to me that maybe he never loved me, that i was just his toy all these years. I know im not the one to blame and i know i have to get back into my own two feet. I have to show myself that im beautiful and any guy would be proud and happy to have me. It doesnt mean that Im going to jump in front of the first guy i meet. It will take me time but i will come out on top. One day he will hear about me and realize what he lost and think of what could of been. We might once again meet up and  try again or i will decide to find myself denying him. I know its difficult but i will once see the sun shinning bright again. I just need time. Crying wont take me anywhere, being strong and moving on will. For now im sad.

 Tearfully,

Books only tell the reality...

Dear Diary,

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by  Beth Fantaskey.I got this book today and finished it in a matter of hours.  I know i have read extremely great books including the Twilight Saga but i have to say this is by far the best book i have ever read. I could of changed some parts of the book and the ending, but it was amazing. I never thought a book could cause me to break down and cry, to make me relate to the characters to an emotional level. I guess since this book hits so close to home. I know that books are based on an emotional level and this one proves it.

So it came true...

Dear Diary,
I know its been 2 weeks since i last wrote but a whole bunch of things have been going on. So my boyfriend is moving to Reno this weekend. I have extreme mixed feelings about the whole situation. I currently am  happy for him and wish him the best of luck, but at the same time i am sad, pessimistic, and with a feeling that i dont want him to leave. I feel that things may go wrong, we as a couple cant work a long distance relationship and many more things. I really dont know what to think let alone understand. I feel everything just crashed into me all at the same time. He has his apartment and everything, but i feel dispriviledged because as his girlfried i have the right to have a key, sneak out of my place to go to his, or wait for him there. I guess im letting everything get to me but i feel lonely, i try not to show this to him, but damn it gets hard. He leaves this weekend to live in Reno and i know its imminent the hours im going to spend crying. Its childish considering we are going to make it through but i feel like crying my guts off...
Bunches of Love