monkeywuv's diary

Yes its been a while,

2010-09-07T00:08:00.001-07:00

I know I know, its not that i want to neglect my blog, its just so many things are happening all at once. Im shocked to see how my life can be turned upside down in a matter of months...i just dont know any more. Its so complicated, but Im going to start doing more. So be expecting me soon.

I'm Amazed!

2010-05-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
As you know yesterday was supposed to be my wedding day. I honestly thought that i was going to cry all day long and stay in bed. On the contrary, i dont feel the need to cry or to be sad, on the contrary, i feel as if things do happen for a reason. I know that sooner or later this roller coaster im experiencing will pass. For now, i choose what i want, what i desire. In the end, its only me, myself, and GOD. Im not sad, nor happy. For now, I'm at peace because i know that in the end God will give me what i need. He will choose for me exactly what i deserve.

Oh Shinny, Bright Moon

2010-05-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Moon,
Here I am for the 3rd time speaking to you, regardless of everything that is happening at the moment i feel your my only best friend i have. It has been so long, to see you all shinny. I have missed that very much. Yet, when i look at you, i feel a sense of peace, as if what I'm going through is only temporarily. I don't know if this is true but i do know that i can always have you to count on. At the end of the day, everyday, you stand proud and tall and make me realize that everything is possible. Thank you moon!

Finally!

2010-05-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I finally figured out all these emotions that are attacking me. Since Tuesday I have started running and that has helped me a lot to relieve all this stress and emotions that i have stored up. I finally started to admit to my self that i did the right thing letting my ex go. Realizing this has helped me alot because I'm starting to forget, but forgiving is process i don't want to think about right now. I think that feeling my body changing to a beautiful form is helping alot lol. I feel my curves coming back again and I'm loving myself more and more each day. I know that for summer my body will be my kind perfect. I'm so excited. I'm also excited about my online buddy, I think he's helping me move on. It might be mild flirting but its something i come to enjoy and look forward to. Feelings? Crush maybe but i don't physically know him, so I'm hesitating. But I'm scared of having this crush grow bigger. Yeah im looking at the heart instead of beauty, but thats what scares me. A LOT! But time will tell, lets see what happens lol...

What do i do?

2010-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I never thought that i was going to be in this situation again. I am getting a grip on my ex, but I can easily cry if someone brings up the subject or they ask me about him. Just thinking that in less than two weeks i would of been married hurts. Hurts to know that right now i should of been excited about the wedding, I should of been packing my stuff, counting the days, having sleepless nights. Now i cant have any of that and it hurts. It actually hurts so much more to know "my ex-fiancee", he hasn't even tried to contact me in anyway. Its like i never existed, nonetheless, never meant anything to him.
Yet through all this mess, i have met a new guy online. Yes, it sounds crazy but i actually like his personality, im getting to met his world inside instead of out. I have seen pictures, doesnt really call my attention but i come to enjoy our conversation. He is in the navy and he lives in San Diego, which is about 2 hrs from LA. Some how our conversation led up to him telling me that he can come up and actually meet each other physically and im debating big time. I have never done this and well i feel he came to blunt about the whole situation. I really dont know what to do, my mom for one tells me to go for and get to meet him, since it wont imply anything serious. We can have fun just being friends, but im still on the "if" side. Im so confused its frustrating on what to do. Im going to get help

To my Forever Eternal a.k.a Silver

2010-05-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Is it true that time heals wounds? or does time makes the wounds deeper? Will the love that i feel for you die out and scatter the ashes as time goes by? or will they flourish when i see you? Will these memories fade like a black and white movie screen and then die out? Or will they always stay with me locked up inside my head where no one can go in? Will time and destiny bring me someone that can make me forget you, your touch, your kisses, your warmth? Or will it bring you back into my life? Will i ever be able to talk to other guys and finally be able not to pretend its you? Or when ever i close my eyes, will i imagine its you who's kissing me, who's touching me, and hugging me? Will i finally be able to move one, and love the person who is with me? Or will i always be comparing you to them, thinking you are the standard to beat? Will i ever stop asking myself why? why did this happen? Or will i finally acknowledge that it was for the best?

Although i keep asking myself these questions, i know the answer and i don't like them because im scared of leaving that love behind, forgetting what we once were. I know things happen for a reason, but im scared to admit that your not mine, scared to lose you, that one person who i honestly fell in love with, and im definitely scared of seeing you with some one else living the life we dreamed about, with the kids we planned for. Sometimes the fact that you were forced to be strong was enough to actually turn you into what you had to be. STRONG. In the end, as much as i hate to acknowledge it, I know i will be strong to over come these feelings, I will be strong to see you and not cry because in the end its what God's will that will prevail. If its meant to be then its going to be Forever Eternal, but if not, then i honestly do wish you the best, even if it kills me. I know that our paths will cross someday, whether we like it or not, life always has its twists and turns, but i know that if they do, this time i wont have anything to do with it since i wont go looking for you, All i have to say is Karma always comes back even when you dont expect it and when it hits you will remember what we had and wish it was still there/ Im done trying to make things work, if you want me you will come looking for me. And when we do meet again, I might honestly have the strength to look the other way and bite my tongue and bite back tears when i say "it was nice seeing you" and walk away. But i want to keep believing that your my Forever Eternal, i want to believe that our future is still there, but if not then God will give bring to me the guy that actually deserves me and the love u neglect and threw away will be his.

Im hating the month of May

2010-05-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Everything is reminding me of what could of been and everything that goes with him. My whole system is inclined to shed tears very quickly. All the memories, everything leading up to my so called "big wedding day" on May 29, and it doesnt help when my family and friends keep asking about the wedding. When i see something that he gave me or something that reminds me of him, i want to throw it, trash it, break it, destroy it, yet i just stare and grieve inside me. I guess if i where alone i would be a mess, but i have the most important thing in my life and thats my mother who has helped me a lot. She tells me the truth and although it hurts, infuriates me, i know she's right. I love her and thanks to her, i have been able to control myself to call him, send him an email or try contact him any sort of way.

So yesterday it was my first day at my new job. Damn i got to say it was very hard. I never thought taking care of a 2 year old was hard. I got to admit she's very spoiled which causes all my patience to stir up. Yet, she creates a distraction for me and makes me forget my problems for a couple hours. I some time wish i had my baby of my own, but im not ready yet.

Moon i speak to you once more....

2010-04-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Moon,
Second time i write to you with my open feelings. I put my heart out there when i speak to you. Its been 52 days and i have not heard a thing for him. It crushes my heart and my dreams. I feel as if he never loved me. Yesterday i went shopping and when i saw the wedding gowns on display it hurt so bad. I had a pain inside my tummy and a huge knot in my throat. I couldnt help myself and i cried to myself. It was in public so i couldnt humiliate myself. I keep thinking to myself why does this happen to me. I feel like my whole life is a novella. Its horrible all the bad things keep happening over and over and over. Yet as the day finishes i remember that things happen for a reason. I believe that the man up above has a beautiful future in store for me. I know he will send me a bright and happy future free of problems and all i can do is thank him for this wonderful life he has brought down upon me. I just have to wait. I have to be patient. I know that right now my life is hectic. My mom, my grandfather, my grandmother, my family in general needs me and i want to be there for them. I know im doing the right thing because in the end my family is what i will always have. They will always be there for me through ups and downs. I have a small job coming up, and i know that that will distract me for a while. It might be small and kind of hard but it will do. Moon as i look up at you, bring me peace, happiness, serenity, patience, and give me the security i need.

Total Spin

2010-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
So I cant say my life is getting better. I feel like as if the world is like picking on me. First my grandma, as you know is sick. The doctors are figuring out if she had a stroke or not. Last week, i took her for an MRI and the radiologist told me that they could not perform the MRI because her kidneys are very weak. IF the performed the MRI then my grandma in the future will have to go through Dialysis.
Today, its official, the urologist confirmed us that my grandfather has prostate cancer. Not only does he have a heart condition now this. CANCER!! Its was very hard for me to keep a straight face inside the Dr's, i just wanted to cry and break down right then in there. I just had to be strong for my grandfather. Although the Dr. assured me that its curable i feel as if my whole life is in total chaos. I always believed that things happen for a reason, now i know why i did not marry my ex. I guess God wanted me to take care of my grandfather. My priority is my family, even if i have to put my happiness at risk. If my ex wasnt the one, then i know someone else will be. I just hope that i met that person soon, lol. Time will tell and at this point, i just want to heal and then met that person. I cry but now, its not because im sad, its because im angry. Like i said, time will heal and things happen for a reason.

Late....

2010-04-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think about
Everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you I need you
So please don't throw our love away
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears I'm sorry for the pain.
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets jus kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really can't stand the pain of seeing you cry
I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me
All that's mine is yours that's what I said
Treat you with love and respect in everyway
You wanted I gave you need me I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I love you and I need you don't want to let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more I feel I'm dying inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly care
So when you wake up one morning and I'm not there
Just remember I loved you it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away
I gave you my good and my bad
My heart and my soul,
My trust my money my time,
What more could you ask from me
Even when times were hard
I held out my arms and held you
Even accepted you though whatever weather
But now I'm feelin we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I got to let go
Nights like this I wish raindrops would fall
To cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years
Of loving someone who couldn't love me back
And now again I got to start from scratch
But I know I've given you my everything

These words are part of a song called "Notice Me" by NB Ridaz. Its dedicated to him, funny how all of this is true, but hey what can i do. I feel as if time is passing by so quickly and at the same time i feel that slowly time is healing the wound but i know everything will crash if i were to hear his voice or see him in person. Today i saw a couple living together, Im not sure if they were married or just living together, but it made me wonder if i made the right decision. Did i honestly make the right decision when i decided that i was not going to go live with him in Reno? This question bring tears to my eyes, because if i had decided to go with him, i would not be feeling this pain inside my heart. But deep down in my heart i feel as if i did the right thing. I could not go live with him without being married. I could not leave my parents just to go with him about 500 miles and not know if it would work out. It def'initely hurts but i truely believe that things happen for a reason. Regardless of why God wanted to me to go through this path but i know he wouldnt give me something he knew i couldnt handle, which gives me peace. Like everyone tells me, "if he was yours, he will come back and if he wasnt then he was never yours." As hard as it may be, i have to keep moving forward and what ever my destiny is, i will accept it.

April 2010

2010-04-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I never thought that time was going to go by that quick. I feel like i just wake up and then when i look at the time its 9:00 PM. Seriously, its goes by so quick.
During these last few weeks i have been pondering about "the break-up" and every day that goes by i am finally able to see the truth and i realize that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. Its something that I was finally able to open my eyes and truly see the reality of the situation. Since he left the first time, it hasn't been a relationship and sooner or later this was going to happen. Although i wanted to make things work, it was not going to. I let myself become someone that was not me. I let myself get step on, i begged, i let my self deteriorate just to save a relationship that was doomed to fail. In the end, i always leave myself wondering "What if he comes back? Will I take him back?" Im in the stage where i wont jump and yes. Now i feel that i will say I don't know. I feel anger and resentment, but i dont feel hatred, at least not yet.
I recently drop a lot of weight. I think its because i got sick, but my uncle thinks its because im heart broken. I got a new look, I cut my hair and got bangs. Freaking annoying as hell, by i will get by. Yet, when i walk out that door, i feel confident. I walk with my head high knowing that life is yet to come and i have noticed how guys look at me. I have seen boys turn heads for me. Which makes me wonder, "Why did i become someone im not for him?"
Time will tell but know im not happy but not sad anymore. I'm neutral, pretty soon I know i will be happy.

Book Sayings....

2010-04-07T09:08:00.000-07:00

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.”
"Grief and love were the same thing because they both led to mistakes."
"Love isnt only passion and joy. Its also sacrifice."
"All the fairy tales, the romance novels, the soap operas; they are all lies. Love does not conquer all."
"Last however long it needs to last. In the end it will be God's will that will prevail."
"Love isnt a fling in a back room at a party. It was something you lived and died for."
"Some doors should stay shut, because once opened they could never be closed again."
"Sometimes is better to live in a lie than to know the truth."
"Sometimes just having fought is important, even if you dont win."
"It was like a failed experiment-something that had seemed to have potential but that, ultimately, was a failure."
"Time can not destroy it. I am that Love- time can not touch me. Time but changes the form. Somewhere in some time it will return. When you least expect it the face of a loved one reappears. Look beyond the face and you will see me."
"She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out."

Through out all my time of reading books, these quotes are the one that called out to me. These quotes some how relate to the way i was emotionally feeling at the moment.

Full Moon Tonight

2010-03-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Moon,
Today the world is seeing you full again. If you believe in wiccan methods, it means the end, or better known as the phase of the moon where you commit to lose something. For example, commit to lose weight, commit to end a nail eating habit, or in my case commit to forgetting him. Moon, today i found out that like i said before that he was cheating on me. I know have confirmed it. I could not believe it when i saw it with my own eyes. At the moment i was with my mother, it took all my guts not to start crying. It was extremely painful. Yet when i went to my room, i cried. Cried because i was a fool, cried because a mother is always right. At the moment it might seem that they are trying to cause us pain but in reality mother always knows best. Cried because he did not loved me and i was a fool to believe he did. It has not even been a month that we broke up our engagement and he is already playing his games with another girl. Like the saying says, far away love only brings sadness.
Exactly how much can a heart handle so much pain? I wonder exactly where did i go wrong, but it wasnt me. I know that and i dont blame my heart, i know for a fact. After what i found out, i would understand that i would hate him, but i dont. It just made me realize my mistake of thinking he will come back. Actually, it made up my mind to forget him. The love that i have for him is there but the flame is frozen under a ton of ice that i build around it. For it to even get the slightest crack, i have to make it.
Now, i know that its easier to begin when you're not dragging around the past. My past is frozen and hidden in the back of my mind, to the very far back of my mind. I have to keep my head high, move forward and forget and learn to forgive him. I wish him the best, but I have made up my mind. Whatever happens happens, but if he decides to come back, he is in for one hell of a ride. Like the saying says, if he wants war, he will get war.

Oh Man....

2010-03-24T14:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Not that Im trying to neglect you or anything but its been a hard week for me.
I had like the major version of the flu. First i started of with a strep throat, i got antibiotics. Soon after that i got the flu. After the flu, now, i have the cough. Its horrible. I cant believe it. I have been through hell in less than a week. I couldnt drink or eat anything. Everything was irritating me and the fever was making it worse.
And not to mention the fact that my little brother had his tonsils removed on last week Tuesday and he was feeling bad. Everything just piled up on me all at one time.

Worst of all has been the crying, I've been emotional and everything makes me cry, especially when i remember him, i start crying hysterically. Him, all i could think about is him. I have been having dreams about him and i dont like them at all. It always has to do with him and another girl. Something inside of me tells me that its true. Deep down inside of me i know that he had someone else that why our engagement went down the drain. Its as if, its was always there except i didnt want to see it. In a way i feel that its pointless like i should give up, but it doesnt mean that it still hurts. I know that in the end, karma always takes effect whether we want it or not, but i dont want him to feel the pain that i have felt. Its a pain that i wouldnt even want my worst enemies to feel because its unbearable and every one that has gone through this pain knows what im talking about. In the end i will leave it in God's hand to decide what is going to happen. Whatever happens happens and i wont complain. Its a pain, a huge pain only God and time can heal. I need a lot of time.....

Big, Long Day Today

2010-03-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Today was a long day. Although its official i havent spoken with him for the last week, im in pain, but its not what is bothering me today.I have a whole bunch of things going on. My little brother had a surgery today. He got his tonsil and his adenoids removed today with another procedure done to him on his ear. It was devasting since i was in the hospital since 7 in the morning and got out at 1:00 PM. Its a painful experience but i knew that doing this surgery he was going to get better and healthier. He is good, yet is in terrible pain, but with his meds i know that he is going to get better.

Eclipse!

2010-03-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first ever clip of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse. I was extremely excited and i nearly fainted!
Im so excited and well as you know as of next week the Twilight Saga: New Moon will come out in DVD which of course is going to be March 20!! Can't Wait!!!

From Darkness to Sunlight...

2010-03-10T11:15:00.000-08:00

This is dedicated to him, you know who you are.

One day i wake up knowing that life is just like my dream, i'm getting married in a month. its exciting its really happening. Then my uncle dies, so we move the wedding date. Now that the wedding date is just around the corner, you tell me that a financial burden is causing you to say u don't want to get married, that its too much and you rather wait. i tell you how long and you reply with an i don't know. How can you do this to a bride to be, when she is excited, planning her wedding, experiencing the adrenaline coming from the fact that you are going to be mine and mine only. It hurts so bad. Next you tell me that you don't want me to leave you want me to stay and keep u company because you don't want to be alone. I look like a fool telling every one that the wedding is off, you crushed my hopes my dreams my desires and yet u ask me to stay. I cant do that, its too much so i have to let go knowing that you are not ready for what we have, it crushes me but what more is there to do? Im laughing knowing that i was naive to get married at the age of 20 but i call it love. But i know that i have a bright future ahead of me. I can make it on my own and i don't need you to make things happen. If its meant to be when your ready you'll come back, if you truly did love me you will come back and if you didn't then you wont. and if you wont i will find someone that i have been looking for and for once during this time i will be ambitious settle for nothing more than what i deserve because with you i let the true me hide, i have to resurface now with more dignity and strength knowing that the future is going to be better than the past.

Its been awhile...

2010-03-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

I tend to say its been a while huh? lol
So what i havent told you was I got engaged on January 16. And hmmm i was supposed to get married on February 13, but since my uncle died we had to postpone the wedding. So we decided for May 29. Yet things happened. Ok let me explain its very complicated so try to keep up.
1. As you know my "fiancee's" mother doesnt like me so my "fiancee" didnt tell her about the wedding
2. My "fiancee" has a "lack of money" so it was supposed to be a small wedding
3. I started noticing a strange behavior from my boyfriend and trust me i had all these doubts running through my mind. Ok im going to give him the benefit of the doubt, my "fiancee" works for a business company, hes like a tax accountant, so busy season is here. His behavior included that when he came from work he was tired, sleepy, and his head was hurting. I wondered if he was cheating, but like all guys they say no. He keep this behavior for about 2 weeks and well i was curious. I didnt talk to him for like nothing he literaly was avoiding me, excluding me, and didnt want to talk to me. I just didnt know what to do, or better yet what was the right thing to do.

So on Monday March 1, i receive his call. The whole day i had butterflies in my tummy so i had a premonition something was going on. So he calls and tell me that he wedding is off. I was like "What?!? are you serious?!?!" His excuse againg he said he had a lack of fund. BS!! if you tell me. I know for a fact that he told his mother and she convinced him to break things off. I was hurt, devastated, i cant explain how i feel, shattered, too many feelings. So oviously, he didnt want to end things, he still wanted to be with me until he was "ready". I didnt know so i was confused for about a week.

On Sunday March 7, I had made up my mind, since all through out the week his behavior didnt change. He was still avoiding me and well ignoring me. So i called him. I had my mind straight. It hurt to end things with him but i know i did the right thing. He just kept hurting me and this was the last strike. Up today, i dont know whether to be relieved or sad. I think it has to do with the fact that i was fed up with his attitude towards me that i decided to end things. I cried on Sunday but no more.

My opinion on all this is the fact that things happen for a reason. I mean I know that its 4 years down the drain but how could he do this to me. I still dont understand and im pretty sure he had someone else, its hard to admit it but i know its true, now im single, but saying single doesnt hurt like it did before. I think it has to do with the fact that i finally understood that this relationship was going no where with him being confused. Im no cruel to ask him to choose between him and his mother.

So yeah all that just in March, and we are barely starting , crazy huh?

Sad Day Today...

2010-01-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

As you all know my uncle has been sick for a long time now.
I have told you that he was ill and sadly today he passed away.
There is nothing we can do exept mourn him and well may God have him in his glory.
Its very hard for me since i lived with him and everything that he went through i was there.
My mom is taking it hard, i dont have any words to make her at peace.
Today is hard...

My Birthday!!!

2010-01-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

Today i officially turn 20 years old and damn im excited.
A new thing and i know this year its going to be great for me wish me luck and stay tuned.

Happy New Years

2010-01-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year 2010!
Wish the best to my readers and wish u well!!!
Have a great year and may all ur dreams come true!!

....no time....

2009-11-16T20:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Im sorry and it has been a long time. Oh god how can i put this, so many things.
1. I got back with my ex on...let me see Nov. 4
2. I got a job and i had training today
3. My job is in Westminister and I live in LA.
a.Oh so i dont drive and i have no one to take so i guess im using public transport.

b. the ride is going to be at least 2 hrs long.
4. Im completely stressed out and dont know what i am going to do!!!

Birthday today...

2009-11-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
Today is his birthday. He turns 21 today. Im happy but a few months back, i would of imagined it differently. I honestly thought today was going to be the best day ever of his life. Making him a king, some one who deserves all the attention in the world. I was happily imagining this day differently, now i spend the day thinking of what could of been. I txted him saying happy birthday and wished him the best, but it wasn't what i expected from him. He replied with a negative attitude. I was with my baby bro when he txted me i did my best not to cry in front of the whole school but when i got home, tears got the best of me. Later on today my friend S.C. aka Stranger told me this today "Stay up buddy and don't let nothing put you down!" and "don't stop trying." He made me feel a little better, but still life is treating me bad. So much probs and i dont have enough space left to deal with them.

So i made a question for males, and females if they wanted to express their opinion. The question was:

If you had the girl you love but was forced to go to another state to start the career dream of your choice, what would you do?

Would you marry the girl and take her with you?
Or would you leave her behind and start fresh on your own?
The answers can be found at http://www.experienceproject.com/confessions.php?cid=153824. Yes i have and account to experience project so if you like the website make an account and dont forget to add me as a friend!!

One month...

2009-10-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
So i have had a lot going on. I feel life right now is extremely chaotic in the sense that i barely have time to decipher what exactly is going on. So first off, I have been in the hospital since last Monday, which was Oct. 19 and it wasnt because of my uncle. This time was my grandma. She got extremely sick. Since i am the eldest and since i am in charge of everyone i ended up with her on the hospital. I haven't been more scared in my life. My grandmother had gotten the flu, but she ended throwing up. Doctors scared the hell out of me saying that she had the swine flu and that she had to be quarantined. I nearly fainted when they told me that. I was shocked, I mean, you havent slept all night and doctors come to the ER and tell you at 3 am that she has the swine flu, it was a shocker. I was taken completely by surprise. They did a bunch of test on her and well they came up with another story that she might have pneumonia. At this point i did not know what to think. So, i had to stay sleep over at hospital for 3 nights. In the end she just had a bad case of the flu. I came home with her on Friday, but she is still weak, she can barely walk, I want to be a nurse when i grow up and now im a personalized nurse 24/7. Im exhausted, this weekend, well it was rough but i went to go see Paranormal Activity. It was scary, i havent had a movie frighten me for a while...lol....confession here....it creep me out that at night i am kinda creeped out...lol....well my grandma is well for now, still weak, but she is recovering. As for me, problems seem to be piling up.

So last night i couldnt go to sleep and well i noticed that its October 26, a month since my heart was torn into pieces. Oh you should of seen me last night. My head ended up hurting at 3 in the morning for the crying i had been doing since 1 in the morning, it was bad, real bad, i just cried with all my heart, soul, and body into the tears. It was bad. I have a bad case of puffy and red eyes today. Worst case, i had a dream about him, it was what i want, him. I dont know what is going to happen but i do know that i want him back, to love him and treasure him. I keep asking my self why i love the one person who hurt me that most. I am supposed to walk away and bid farewell, but i cant. I guess time heals wounds right? TIME.....

Pains and Aches

2009-10-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I don't like being sick. Its awful. My body hurts. It hurt even worse when i cough. I feel without energy all down and out. I had fever just for one day. It was hell. My head hurt, i couldn't see straight, my eyes burned, typical fever symptoms. Now its the damn cough. My inside shudder when i'm going to have a cough attack. Its awful and extremely painful.
I came to a conclusion yesterday when i was with my mother. I started thinking of all the things that my ex did to me that hurt me and well it was a long list. So remembering that actually helped me a lot. Today i woke up with a new sense of purpose. I don't have him, but i may have some sort of resentment and anger towards him. I know its bad, and i got to clean my feelings. Dont know how im gonna do it, but i have to.

Sincerely yours,

Re-Cap!

2009-10-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Man, so many things have been happening lately.
1. I'm sick! with fever and cough
2. My uncle got out of the hospital yesterday. Thank God!!
3. It's raining
4. I feel everything is going well.

For the past couple of days i have been extremely busy. I barely have time for myself. I feel like everything is passing by so quick.

I really dont have much to say apart that this killer headache will claim me at any moment. I have put mind tricks saying that im not sick and it works, at least for me it does, but then again its really hard to stop coughing and make this headache go away.

I need my stuff froggie!!

Bunches of Love

Too much, way too much....

2009-10-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So, on Sunday which was October 4, my aunt called and asked if i wanted to go with her to a party. The party was going to be held in the salon in which i want to get married in. Its beautiful and it just made me want to have that salon even more know. So, i agreed and went and was ok. I danced, but with an older man, more correctly my uncle's boss. Since i dont dance the cumbia genre, i was bad at dancing, I was blushing all the way. He held me like a gentleman, but the waist. LOL. Oh and i drank 2 margaritas, but it wasnt enought to get me drunk...damn...lol..This whole week has been chaotic, going to the hospital to see my uncle and the doctor, family...argh its a little too much for me. Oh i forgot, my daddy found a job. Im so happy and excited for him.

Now, to the sad and miserable part of my life. I keep dreaming about him. Always talking to him, kissing him, and hugging him. And its always around the same time, Halloween and the beginning of November. I know some thing is going to happen but i want to know what it is. I know its hard for me, to get him off my dreams, but i feel safe and secure with him, i sometimes wish night can come faster so i can dream about him.

So, on Sunday, i forwarded him a message i received and so he replied, we txted and he called me. We talked for about 15 mins since he called when i was going home. That call, honestly tore down all my defenses i have been working on for the last week. I cried when i got home. It hurt so much. So we started with hi and stuff. I heard some noise in the background and i asked him wat it was. He replied that he was trying to install a program on the computer since he bought an ipod. I was like oh, oh ok...he then added that he bought one for him and my sister. In my mind i was like wat?!?! sister?, shes down here in LA, is he like going to send it to her?!! He immediately replied with "i went down to LA this weekend and i just got here to Reno couple minutes ago." Got damn, he tore me to pieces, i was speechless and i quickly responded with, oh you didnt buy me something. That was the best i could come up wit at the moment. The conversation kept going and i did everything i could not to show i was hurt, but it was f-ing hard. When i clicked. I was shocked, i could barely keep going with my aunt. Tears were forming in my eyes, i was ready to bawl my guts out at that moment but i kept my facade and waited home. When i told my mom, i was barely able to finish the sentence and started crying.

I went to take a shower and started thinking, how im such a fool, thinking that he still cared and loved me. I mean honestly, he broke it off, he could of come over and said hi, or try to mend stuff between us. It hurt too much... He came down here and I didnt know and if it wasnt because of the message i could of still been in my little fantasy of everything is gonna work out between us. I think he told me on purpose to hurt me even more. I know doesnt have the "duty" of coming to see me, but couldnt he come and settle things out? I kept thinking how almost a year ago, he promised me that he came back to stay forever. He promised he was never going to hurt me and he was here to be wit me until we got married. I might be a hopeless romantic, but when the guy whom you love with everything you got walks out on you, and treats you like nothing ever happend, like your a stranger and like your indifferent to him, damn it hurts. I hadnt cried for some days, but every single time i think about it, it makes me so miserable. Im done, i begged, i told him not to go, not to leave, to keep this going, i cried and he didnt care. Im done, im leaving it as is. If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. Like the saying goes, "i did my part but i cant do it alone". Its not that i wont stop loving him, its just i cant keep getting hurt, its not fair, Im the one wit the broken heart and he keeps stomping on it, and now i cant keep going like this.

What can i say?

2009-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

God is hard to be witout him. I saw what he posted on myspace and well it made my heart beat so quick. I was scared and nervous. I mean, its nervewrecking, but he decided it so, monkeywuv gots to take her love somewhere else. Theres nothing i can do, if he wants me back, he knows where to find me right? Some times, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. I love him and always will, its just that for right now, it thinks its best if we cool it. Give each other time to think and analyze everything that has happened and will happen.

Aside for boy issues, I spend the whole day in the hospital. My uncle got sick again, and well there was a lot of blood involved. God, i was suprised and i didnt txt him for comfort, i stuck to my decision. Yay for me?? Im side tracking again....please forgive me. My uncle is admitted to the ICU for the next three days, its gonna be hard so i have lots headed my way.

So i have decided im gonna start working. Its gonna be hard since i have never had a job before...he he.... but me need cash!!! PRONTO!!! Dont know how or where or when, but i have my mind made up and im gonna do it... Wish Me Luck!!

Bunches of Love

October already...

2009-10-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? Its October already, seems that time flies by so quick. Halloween is in exactly 30 days...scary huh? What can i say apart that i couldnt help it but i broke down last night. I was doing so perfectly, but when i was taking a shower, I missed him so much and the next thing i new i was crying. Before i fell asleep, i kept thinking about him and broke down again. Today i woke up and my eyes are puffy, they hurt, dont ask, but i had a dream last night that brought my hopes up again. Dont tell anyone but something my dreams can fortell the future. It was about him and everything was perfect, all im waiting on time. Patience is a virtue, or so they say. But, its hard trying to assimilate to being alone. Its not that i cant be with someone else its that i dont want to at this point. I just want to heal completely and then try to find someone. But for now i know im best off alone. Im being strong to move on and i know im going to keep having these episodes of sadness every once in a while. I want him, but for now i have to figure out what i want in life too. If he wants to talk to me, then he is welcome. But i dont think its my job to start talking to him. He ended it, so if he wants something from me then, he should be a man and face up to it.

Lovingly mine,

Sunday Drama

2009-09-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
So today was a long day for me. I barely got home about an hour ago. I had a fun day, i was able to forget about my issues for a day. First i went to Laguna Niguel, an hour from my house, it was beautiful, getting there, the valley had an amazing view. Next i got home and got dressed to go to a party/wedding. It was fun, since i was able to chat with family members, they might be conceited and prideful...ha ha that my new word...but i had fun. My second cousin "AB" had guy problems and she was only 14, she really needs a guide in her life, if not then she is going to get lost. Her only role model "IO" is 19 but acts like she 15. IO has a baby of 1yr and 3 months, its a shame IO baby thinks her grandmother is her mother. Its a really confusing story. IO "husband" is 21 but he acts like a little kid with high hormones. Its funny really. I know for now im out of the dating game, so im not looking for anything. Him on the other hand, looks at me with eyes like he wants to eat me, he has a kid, but the he is oblivious to the baby. He found any excuse to be near or to see what im doing. I guess his "wife" got mad at him because after a while he was "trying" to avoid me. I told you it was complicated..ha ha.
So the hard part of this night was that my family members that knew about my ex-boyfriend, kept asking me for him. They asked how was he, i would reply he went to nevada, they would ask if he is coming down to see me, i would say yes, but i made it seem like a long distance relationship wasnt for me. They asked if he called, and i would reply he called everyday. I hate lying but there is nothing i can do for now i have to lie. The night concluded with my IO's mom telling me that she is proud of me that i am still living with my mom and that she is proud of me for not being pregnant. She said she wished she was my mom, because i make my family proud. I laughed and said that for now I not ready to settle down and its going to be a while until im ready to have kids, I need to have fun and enjoy what life is going to throw at me.
So that was my day, long and complicated, but its another day i made it through without crying...

Sad Day Today...

2009-09-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
So this day was immenent. My boyfriend of almost four years and I broke up. What can i say apart from i made it work and gave everything i had. He didnt want a stable relationship, and he choose money over love. His future consists of money and power and he rather throw everything we had for that. Its a shame really, to make it clear i hold no grudge or hatred towards him, in a way i feel relieved and sad. Relieved in a way that i know that i wont be crying any more over his confused mind and his way of treating me. Im sad because in reality i was extremely in love with him. I can honestly say that i would of given everything up for him. His words were like a prophecy to me, waiting to be full filled. If i know he would of been at the bottom of the bridge i would of thrown myself off the cliff just to be with him. But he didnt want that. I gave him everything i had and if he didnt appreciate it then its him who i have to blame. He wasnt willing to fight for what we had and it just proves to me that maybe he never loved me, that i was just his toy all these years. I know im not the one to blame and i know i have to get back into my own two feet. I have to show myself that im beautiful and any guy would be proud and happy to have me. It doesnt mean that Im going to jump in front of the first guy i meet. It will take me time but i will come out on top. One day he will hear about me and realize what he lost and think of what could of been. We might once again meet up and try again or i will decide to find myself denying him. I know its difficult but i will once see the sun shinning bright again. I just need time. Crying wont take me anywhere, being strong and moving on will. For now im sad.

Tearfully,

Books only tell the reality...

2009-09-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side by Beth Fantaskey.I got this book today and finished it in a matter of hours. I know i have read extremely great books including the Twilight Saga but i have to say this is by far the best book i have ever read. I could of changed some parts of the book and the ending, but it was amazing. I never thought a book could cause me to break down and cry, to make me relate to the characters to an emotional level. I guess since this book hits so close to home. I know that books are based on an emotional level and this one proves it.

So it came true...

2009-09-08T09:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I know its been 2 weeks since i last wrote but a whole bunch of things have been going on. So my boyfriend is moving to Reno this weekend. I have extreme mixed feelings about the whole situation. I currently am happy for him and wish him the best of luck, but at the same time i am sad, pessimistic, and with a feeling that i dont want him to leave. I feel that things may go wrong, we as a couple cant work a long distance relationship and many more things. I really dont know what to think let alone understand. I feel everything just crashed into me all at the same time. He has his apartment and everything, but i feel dispriviledged because as his girlfried i have the right to have a key, sneak out of my place to go to his, or wait for him there. I guess im letting everything get to me but i feel lonely, i try not to show this to him, but damn it gets hard. He leaves this weekend to live in Reno and i know its imminent the hours im going to spend crying. Its childish considering we are going to make it through but i feel like crying my guts off...
Bunches of Love

Its been awhile...

2009-08-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have had a really hectic month. So many things to worry and do. This whole month I have mostly been worried about my boyfriend. He is being relocated to Reno, Nevada and we live here in Southern California. Its only a couple hours drive, but being apart from someone who you have been with for 3 1/2 years, idk it just pains me to think of being apart from him. About an hour or so, he just found out he got the job and well he is gonna leave me...sniff sniff...don't know whats going to happen or when is this big change going to come, but i think I'm going to over work my brain if i keep thinking of what is going to happen.

I am Back!!

2009-08-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So for the last couple weeks, I did not expect to be in such a chaotic situation. Like i said before my aunt had her baby and well she got sick and was not able to do anything and i had to help her. Every time i tried doing something for myself i was thrown a whole bunch of different chores and things to do but now im back!!

So many things to do and well so little time. Damn its already AUGUST!! time is flying so quick!! But any how, things turned out great had a great time with the baby and all and i was happy to take care of a newborn. They are extremely difficult to take care of, all nighters, diapers, food....i mean the list goes on and on. But im here rejuvinated...now lets get back to our schedule.

Bunches of Love

Good News...

2009-07-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Today my little cousin was born. His name is Daniel Francisco and he was a healthy boy of 8lbs and 6oz. He was born at 2:50 this afternoon.

XOXOXOXOXO

Long Weekend...

2009-07-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I apologize for not writing sooner but i have had an extremely busy week and weekend. First off, i want to say im committing to losing weight!! Finally huh? Well we got a treadmill and i know can lose the weight. Secondly, i went dancing this friday night and i dont regret it for the world. On Saturday i had to work as a caterer. The job was extremely hard. I personally served food to about 400+ people on saturday all by my self. But hey the pay was worth it. Yesterday and today the boyfriend came over and well i had no time left for myself, until right now. So here i am.

Ok, maybe im wrong about this, but couple of days ago, i was on "youtube" and i saw some vids about latina chicks dancing reggaeton. If you dont know what that is, its a type of music genre. I might be wrong, but i think that a lot of latinas show how they can show off their body for perverts to watch. I think that they are degrating themselves for no reason whatsoever. Its my opinion and you might disagree. So tell me what you think.

Bunches of Love

Independence Day

2009-07-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Happy 4th of July, or better known as Independence Day. Hopefully you will have great time with your family and enjoy every moment of it. Today, is not such a good day for me. I think I'm getting sick and well I'm not enjoying it. Well see how the next couple of days go. Wish me luck!

XOXOXOXOXO

Time Flies...

2009-07-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it? It is already July. The seventh month of the year. It seems like just yesterday it was January. Last year around this time it was drama and pain, but that's a story for some other day not now. I'm happy and don't want to ruin it with melancholy. But i will tell you soon, so dont worry. Anyways, I saw the boyfriend today. Had so much fun, but all the passion and emotion its hard to contain all the love towards each other. I love him. I dont know what i would do with out him. Hes just everything i have ever hoped for in a guy. Dont get me wrong, we have had our ups and downs. 3 years and 5 months is a long time and alot can happen during that time. I dont regret anything that happened because as the cliche goes, "Everything happens for a reason"...I believe that everything we went through made us the couple we are now, full of love, happiness, trust, loyalty and honesty.

Bunches of Love

Graduation...

2009-06-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

So my boyfriend's graduation was yesterday. The day went by so quick. By the time i was home i was exhausted. The ceremony only lasted no more than 1 hr and a 1/2. It was fast easy and simple. I really like it and i felt as if i was the one who was about to cry. My dress i keep forgetting to post it but i will. It was amazing to be able to share with him all of life's special events and hopefully i will. After the ceremony we went to IHOP and well it was good. I didn't want him to go home but he had to.

Oh i almost forgot, Billy Mays, TV announcer guy for oxiclean and orange glow died today at the age of 50. May he rest in peace.

Bunches of Love

News....

2009-06-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Today is a great day. My uncle was released from the hospital. He is still weak from 6 days of being sedated but he is doing great. Apart from that only 2 more days until the graduations. I'm going to be with the in-laws and i am excited and nervous. The in-laws scare me...lol...

As you probably already heard, Michael Jackson 50, died. He died of a cardiac arrest at Los Angeles, California. Its a really sad and I wish his family all the luck in the world. May all of ours prayers be with them.

Bunches of Love

Good News...

2009-06-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I have good news i just found out that my uncle woke up...thank GOD.....and in no time he will be back home....if i find out something else i will tell you...

Bunches of Love

Oh i forgot...

2009-06-22T00:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Oh how can i forget i am now currently on Twitter, so if you want to follow me you can find me at http://twitter.com/monkeywuv

XOXOXOXOXO

2009-06-22T00:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I know its late but im here. I went to the mall today and bought myself some beautiful shirts about Minnie and Tinkerbell. Im so excited, only 6 more days until my boyfriends graduation...im cant believe im counting the days!!!! Im freaking out....but i bought my dress and my shoes. Its gold, I will take a picture of my dress and shoes so you can see. I need to work out at least 3x a day for the next 5 days to look stunning. I know i will look beautiful but still....lol...what else? Hmmm, oh my chicks are doing great. Chewbacka is huge & Ginger 2, Owl, Tiger, and Ochosi are doing great. I will also take a picture of them so you guys can see how big they are...lol...

Bunches of Love

Ups and Downs

2009-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
As you know my uncle is really sick, I am extremely sad seeing my family cry. I personally haven't see him because i have to take care of my siblings. I'm scared because he has been sedated for more than 24 hours...almost 48 hours. Apparently he has anemia and cirrhosis. He doesn't qualify for more a liver and well i think its unfair. I have faith he is going to get better but apart from that I'm scared for the worse.

Forgetting about the bad things, i went to go see "The Proposal" it was the most funniest movie I have seen so far. Its worth it! I went to Del Amo Mall, that mall is huge. I love it though. Its like female wonderland..lol..oh and tomorrow I'm going to get my dress for my boyfriends graduation!!! I'm so excited!!!

Bunches of Love

Sad Morning...

2009-06-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
As you already know, my uncle is sick. Now he is severely sick and he is now intensive care. The doctors are not sure if he is going to make it but I have faith he will. I will keep you posted, but i apologize if i cant write any sooner. Monkeywuv

Life is a Roller Coaster...

2009-06-15T15:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Life is a roller coaster. Some times life will at the tip of the roller coaster meaning everything is exciting and happy and the next moment you are falling down. I say that because for the last 2 days, Leopard has been completely sick. He can barely stand on its own, he doesnt eat, and he is just fragile. Im really worried and scared he might die but them again life will always have its ups and downs. Apart from that my uncle was admitted to the hospital for liver damage. It looks like he might need a transplant and he is currenly having a blood transfusion. Its so sad.

Bunches of Love

New Day!

2009-06-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Today was a long day. I got new chicks! I'm so excited because, as you guys all know Ginger..R.I.P..died because of a damn cat. Now i have 3 more. One is named Leopard, because he looks like a white leopard, Tiger, also he likes like a tiger, and Ginger 2 in memory of Ginger. So i will have a picture of them soon. As soon as i remember to take a picture. I went shopping today for clothes and just bought a new "bag" its more like a semi tote. My boyfriend, cousin, and mom where like you already have enough of bags why did you buy another one? I just needed to have one and i got it... Its green with a leafy decorations all over. Oh i almost forgot i have been working out for 3 days in a row!

When i met my boyfriend VA, i nearly melted. I had heard BM and the other peeps i kicked it with talking and always mentioning VA a lot. I always wondered who on earth could be the famous VA. When i met him i was mesmerized. He was tall, in shape, light colored eyes, has the cutest dimples, and he has light brown hair. I was a sophomore and at that time he was a senior. The first thing i said was, "So this is the famous VA huh?" He just laughed. We connected since that moment. take into consideration that i was still BM and I'm flirting with VA all the way. I mean who wouldn't? Senior with a car , money and he was hot. Who could resist? So it got to the point where i couldn't keep my feelings and i had to tell him.

The day before i told him to pick me up near the school and he did. I wanted to be alone with him inside his car but he took me to his house. I hesitated but then i went. When he kissed me i was in heaven. It was incredible, i didnt think i could feel like i did. So then i saw the time and i knew i had to go to school, i was not ready to be with him and make myself look easy. So he took me to school and when i checked my phone i had about 5 missed calls from BM. So he was smart suggesting that i should go in first and he was going to be back later. This will be all for now, i will continue it later.

XOXOXOXOXO

Story Time!

2009-06-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Its been a long day and I'm proud to say that today i worked out. It felt so good because i can feel my muscles worked out. It makes me feel great about myself because i know that when i go buy my dress for my boyfriend's graduation i will feel good about myself. Somehow working out makes my self esteem go up. Well i want to catch up my story of my first high school drama.

So them I confronted him (BM) and said to him that it was over. He begged to take him back and i did. Up to this day i don't know whether i took him back because i wanted to be with him, or because i felt sorry for him, or because i didn't want AL to have him. Yet, i was never actually ever committed to him. I ended up cheating on him my SP. But SP never meant anything to me.

After couple of months of fighting and arguing i was giving up in a almost 9 month relationship. Then on January 6, 2006 (my sisters b-day) i met the love of my life, my current boyfriend VA. Now that is caused another complication, and it will be another story for another day.

XOXOXOXOXO

R.I.P Ginger 6-10-09

2009-06-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Out of all the worse months of the month, June is the least of my favorites. Today around 4:30 pm i was taking care of the little chicks i had. I have to make sure they stretch their legs and roam around and have their fun. When i was going to put them away, and i just turned my attention from them just one second, a cat comes and eats Ginger. I screamed and my whole family came out but by then she was long gone. I cried like a baby so hard and it hurt me so much because i saw Ginger hang from the mouth of the cat lifeless... I know its the cycle of life, but when you get attached to an animal you are raising, its really hard. It hit my family hard and well it was me who felt it harder because they were mine. So no good news, just bad. I miss Ginger a lot and poor Chewbakca is looking for his friend...sniff sniff....so for today that's all....

So many things, so little time...

2009-06-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I'm sorry i haven't written in the last couple of days. There has been a lot of this happening at home. For one, my aunt is almost going to give birth to her baby Daniel. Second, i have been extremely caught up with my boyfriend's graduation preparations. Lastly i have 2 more graduations for next week Thursday and Friday. Wow, so much to do so little time. Well g2g...but i will be back later tonight, i pwomise.

Bunches of Love

In love...

2009-06-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
Sowy i could not write yesterday, i was a long day and so much to do just in one day, but apart from that i kind of worked out like i promised. I dance with my little brother, and worked out with him. Im not sore but i am tired. Today i spent time with the boyfriend and everyday that goes by i fall in love with him more and more. I never can get enough of the kisses, hugs, and all the love that he provides. He's just wonderful and i never get enough of him. Im madly in love with my hubby...lol...
Bunches of Love

Its a shame

2009-06-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I didn't work out, its a shame and i regret to say i over slept. This sucks, i really need to be committed but for sure I'm going to do it tomorrow. I have to, i don't have another choice. Apart from that, i had a great day, saw the boyfriend who i am terribly in love with yet I'm terrified to be in a relationship for this long. We have been together for 3 yrs and 4 months. I will explain everything later, but right now i really have to go with my baby brother so until later!

Bunches of Love

Committed to Working Out

2009-06-02T21:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,
My boyfriend's graduation from college is just a couple of weeks away and really excited for him, but i feel like i need to lose weight. I'm not saying i am extremely overweight, but i am not as slender as i wish to be, and when i mean slender i mean model looking kind of body. I know i know, my body is beautiful and i believe it is, but i really need to lose the weight, so i will keep all of you posted as i lose the weight and early in the morning I'm going to have a killer workout and ill tell you all about it, so good night and I'm going to bed.

Bunches of Love

High School Drama

2009-06-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

High school is pure drama. Everyone knows it, and this goes for slackers and honor students. Every where you go, drama, drama and more drama. First off, i hope you all enjoy this but at this point i just can look back and just laugh about all this, but when i was happening i was nearly pulling my hair out from all the drama. It all started when i met my ex-boyfriend BM (for privacy issues). So BM was not the hottest guy out there and he was on the chunky side but what attracted me to him was his prankster attitude. When we first started "dating" some other girl AL was also trying to be with him. It was a mess by trying to outshine the other. In the end i won...ha ha....lol....and our "anniversary" was April 1st, funny huh? Well guys will be guys and he ended cheating on me about 2 months in the relationship. This is where all the drama begins. My best friend at that time CL knew about this and she didn't tell me, her excuse was that it was none of her business, what a great friend she was huh? When i confronted BM he denied everything to me he claimed that he was loyal, yet i heard him tell AL that i had just found out about their relationship. This is where I'm gonna stop for tonight wait for tomorrow to tell you more.
XOXOXOXOXO

2009-06-01T18:07:00.001-07:00

So like i promised here are my chicks....arent they cute? Please excuse the date, my camera seems to be going haywire, but here they are. I mean they seem so small but pretty soon they will be huge. No worries i will keep you posted on how they are doing and if everything is ok...

Bunches of Love

OMG!!

2009-05-31T21:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

You wont believe it but today i saw for the first time the official New Moon Trailer. Im so excited. The movie is set to be released on November 20, 2009. I am huge Twilight Saga Fan. I was so excited when Summit Entertainment annouced that they were going to do Twilight. I just cant wait until it comes out, its going to be good. Im not going to spoil it for people that havent read twilight, but trust me, I cried when i read the book, so it wont be a suprise to me when i cry in the theaters.

My little chicks

2009-05-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
I recently bought baby chicks, i think i got them on Tuesday, but today my dad and i started making a house for them. I will take a pic it soon and i will show it to you guys. They are so cute. One chick is named ginger and the other one is named "chewbaca" (lol i don't think i spelled it right). So today i did nothing interesting just hung out with the boyfriend and we had fun. We wanted to watch night at the museum but the theaters were packed so we just decided to go home. i was disappointed because i really wanted to watch it. I will watch it soon so no need to worry. has anyone watched it? is it good?

Today

2009-05-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been bored, extremely bored and had nothing to do and started chatting at a random chat site and were extremely surprised of what people talk about? Yeah, that happened to me today...it was weird but hey i survived...lol...So like i was saying when i started out middle school it was crazy, new classes, new people, and tons of homework, i was in honors and had to deal with a little more. Anyways my first "boyfriend" was at the age of 13 and so was my first kiss...if i could change that kiss i would...i know that first kisses are supposed to be memorable but trust me this one gave me nightmares. It was not like i expected it to be. I thought i was going to be gobbled down alive. Its sad but true. So middle school was 5 bfs (lol) in one year which was 8th grade...but i mean i was young so the "relationships" ranged from between 2 weeks to 3 months. Oh well i was young...

Get To Know Me

2009-05-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

* . . Basic . . *
Name: monkeywuv
Birthdate: January 13, 1990
Current Location: Los Angeles, CA
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Reddish/Brownish

* . . What's Your . . *
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Body Type: Normal
Favorite Food: ooh thats hard...
Favorite Drink: water
Favorite Animal: snake, wolf, monkey, froggies
Best Physical Feature: IDK
Fears: i hate worms

* . . Have you ever . . *
Drank: yes...lol..
Smoked: nope..
Shoplifted: not that crazy....yet...lol
Skinny Dipped: yeah
Been Dumped:sniff sniff...yes
Had A Boyfriend/Girlfriend: I currently have the love of my life...

* . . Looking In For A Guy. . *
Fav Eye Color: Blue/Green
Fav Hair Color: Dont matter
Short or Long Hair: short hair
Looks or Personality: a little of both...
Love or Money: love but it would hurt if they had some money
Hot or Cute: dont matter as long as i like them
Muscular or Really Skinny: not too muscular and not too skinny

Quick Facts

2009-05-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am currently 19 yrs old, my fav. color is green, not the dark green, but the aqua, light green kinda green...lol...i also like pink, black....hmmm i think that it. My favorite fruit has to be watermelon. I just cant get enough of it. I could eat it for weeks maybe years and i would not get tired of it. Anyways, i am the oldest of 4, sucks to be me huh? lol, but it has its benefits. I am currently loving life to the fullest but before i got here i was miserable, it was the dark epoch for me. I will explain don't worry. So I grew up near downtown Los Angeles (LA), California (CA). Where i grew up it was kind of chaotic. It wasn't so much the violence because you rarely saw that, but it was the loneliness of the place. Now if you go to Downtown LA i wish you good luck...lol....anyways, my childhood was alright i cant complain. I was an angel and innocent... Until i got to middle school is when i changed.

Hello!

2009-05-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I guess why your asking why I created a blog or "diary" right? Well i guess it might be that someone is going through the same stuff or worse and i just wanna say things that relate to other people. This is my first post so i am just going to keep it brief, and say welcome and hopefully you guys enjoy this. If you guys have any questions or just feel like you need to talk, you are welcome, i am your friend and it is easier to tell a stranger your problems instead of people you know, so again welcome! oh and enjoy!